November 12, 2010
What's the Point of Having a Blog if ya don't BLOG!
Today I did something awesome.
The sad part is that this is something I could've been doing on any given day for the past several years now. But I haven't. Maybe not even once. I used to....but then something happened, and I forgot.
I forgot about so many of the awesome things I used to do! And this is just one more small tragedy to surface (like a dead body) in the wake of 3 years of turmoil. Crazy.
(the picture is of my homeroom 5/3. Not sure why they don't let me type captions on here)
What I did on purpose today though was a direct reaction of something that I did unintentionally in a class (5/2) two weeks ago. Something that left an impression on them. AND ON ME!
What I did was tell a story. It wasn't just any story though, it was one of the most personal stories of my life. A story full of death wishes and suicide attempts and self-destruction and pure suffering that seemed endless at the time. All of which culminated into a force so strong that I finally ran away from home one day.
This is the story that I told them. It is the story of my first breakthrough, my first life-changing revelation, my first BIG break that came by way of my own two hands and an empty house I broke into. More superficially, it is the story of how I became, overnight, a good boy, a good student, and a (hopefully) decent son. At the time this story begins to take place.....I am ten years old.
I left out most of the ugly details. You don't always need those to convey the FEELING you are trying to get across, especially when you're talking to privileged kids who've BARELY known pain, much less the kind of pain that would push a toys-r'-us kid to pray for death on a daily basis.
Instead I told them the condensed version, but still with Feeling. And I focused on the point of the story, the transformation that took place on that day and thereafter. And while I told that story, for 10....15 mintues, I had 20 kids in absolute silence looking at me at the same time. In the back of my mind, as I looked around the room towards the end of it, I was like "Wow." This is the power of my story. This the power of a story being TOLLED.
I had fucking forgotten that! I cannot remember the last time I told a significant piece of my story in a classroom setting! Maybe back in America, maybe my first year at this school...I'm not sure.
Isn't that crazy!? I got stories that can move kids! I got stories that can move people. Not just anywhere! IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION! Towards an easier way, a clearer path, a better life even! One with more Sense and LESS Suffering! Or AT LEAST reaffirm what they already know! And put it into words that they may have not heard before. So they can see themselves and their own lives with a touch more clarity. Just a touch more! But that kind of touch...that kind of clarity can save people from themselves.
This is what I'd lost, one of many things I forfeited in order to go through the throes of a 3 year relationship that was failed from the get go. Most of which I spent trying to redeem my self-esteem and ego after being cheated on for the first time in my life. Boohooooo.
If had any idea what all I threw out of my plane to try and keep it "up in the air," like it was a fucking life and death situation, if I had any idea what I inadvertently sacrificed, I would've cried for entirely different reasons. I woulda torn the wings off with my bare hands in anguish and revolt!
Cuz, really, what I did without even knowing it was throw my SELF out of the plane. I wasn't flying solo, I was flying hollow. For miles and years and miles, over nothing but icy looking waters. A ghost of my self was flying that plane, while my shadow made sure she was comfortable and orgasmic in first class. What a joke.
It's cool though. I get it now. No hard feelings. I was as much a victim as I was a propagator. I was as much a passenger on Air Futility as I was a prop on an engine. Smoking as it may have been. Smoking HOT as it may have been. I know what I did and I know why I did it, and thankfully most of my reasons were pretty good, pretty sound. She knows what she did too, and...even if she doesn't know the exquisiteness of the pain she helped me paint...oh well. Maybe she'll get there, maybe she won't. Maybe it wasn't for her, maybe it was for me to go through, somewhat alone....as I often felt I was when I was "with her."
Anyway, getting back to today....
Today I instigated what I accidentally evoked in 5/2 a week or two ago.
You see, we have this stupid period built into the schedule called "Guidance Period," and what guidance period is for exactly no one really knows. The only thing we do know about Guidance Period is that when the school has SOME ducks in a row, they tend to bring in guest speakers and our kids go and listen to them talk about whatever during that period.
Well, today, just like last week, there was nothing planned by the school. And...as I was sitting there getting ready to go see my homeroom for this waste of time...guess what I remembered? Yeah, that remarkable "incident" that happened in the class next door. Where I bared my heart and an ounce of my diamond soul. And I thought....why not have a Story Telling Time? So that's what I did.
I went in there and wrote it up on the board and explained what happened in 5/2 the other day and what I was thinking might be able to happen today. The only contingent is that in order for me to Tell one of my stories, I have to be asked a question that calls one forth, or so I told them. Which is kinda true for my life in general too!
So I said, "It's up to you guys! Once you ask me a question that points to a story in my life, you can decide if you wanna listen or not! I don't even care if a couple of you would rather play with your phones or whatever, but if you do listen then that's cool and I'll tell that story the best I can....you just gotta think of a good enough question that will hit upon one of MY life stories."
BOOM! A kid's hand went up! This kid named Joey, such an awesome kid, so much g0d-damned heart it almost scares me! His hand shoots up and he asks, "Have you ever been dumped?"
God I love that kid. It's like we rehearsed this!
I thought for sure I was gonna have to weed through like half a dozen lame questions before they GOT the point. AT LEAST! But nope, right off the bat, Joey knows exactly what he wants to know! Guess why? Guess what happened to Joey not so long ago? Yeah. Poor kid. But....he seems to be keepin his chin up, which is more than most of us do at that age. Or have done since!
So today I told the story, for the first time in I can't imagine how many years, of how Leslie Shultz dumped me in 7th grade and how that set in motion a series of events that would reveal one of the most DEFINING aspects of my life! Let me tell you, it's a damn good story!
From one end of the arc to the other, I had those kids' ears in my hands! And, after so many laughs and perfect moments of attentive silence, by the end of it, they were all like "Whoaaaa." And I was like, "Yeahhh." And Joey, who came all the way up from the back row to sit next to me and hear this story, Joey reached over and gave ME a high-five!