November 11, 2010

Upon My Return

(OLD blog post)

May 16, 2009 - Saturday ~4:17pm

Currently listening:
The Sun And The Moon Complete [2 CD]
By The Bravery

Current mood: trepidation
Category: Life

Fuck, it's weird being back home. I'm alone in my room now for the first time. Lala was nice enough to pick me up and keep me company. Now I'm walking around my room, unsure what to do with myself. And I noticed my hands were even a little shaky. Thought I should just sit down and write it out. Even though my computer is now being weird and printing the letters a LOT slower than I'm typing. Which is a new feature and really Annoying. Fuck it, I'm still typing fast, if there's typos, so e it.

But yeah, I feel a little...unsettled at the moment. A little ...out of place. My room is my room but it feels a little different. Like I noticed it's naked for the first time. And this transition, this transition is a hard one, I think maybe harder than going back home for the first time in two years. I think that's what's got me a little shaky. It's a hard transition, like I have to shed a whole shell of myself to fit back into this life. This Way of Living.

At first it doesn't feel "Right," like I shouldn't be doing this, like being here is not good for me, but it is. But that shell I speak of, what is it? It's more than a layer of skin, it's a whole frame of being....that comes.....that comes with being in America? That comes with being back "Home" in that environment and That culture?? That comes with having to ReFit myself back into that life??? Yeah. Yeah, that's it. I did, I re-shaped myself to fit in again, I had to do that, at least to some degree.

There were so many times that I felt AWKWARD when I first got there, like I didn't know what to do or how to "act natural." Like who I was in that context the last time I was in that context....had so little relation to whom I had become. I had to Re-form my "American self," for lack of a better identifier. Just to exist in that environment and breathe without thinking about it. And now, after hosting that or being hosted IN that shell, I have to do away with it again, just like that, and be...well, what seems like "Normal" to me. Funny huh?

In the end I guess, when this mission is complete and I do Return "for good," I guess the ultimate goal, and in fact, the inevitable goal, is that I will have to marry those two worlds/selves together within me. I will have to reconcile the differences and merge them both. That's only logical. I can't possible DISCARD what 5 (?) years has done to me here. There's no changing how I've been changed. But I have. Inexorably. I see it in the way I see things back home, so many things that I never even questioned, now seem...ridiculous.

It scares me, though I suppress it now cuz I'm only there for a few days so there's no sense in...REbuking this and that travesty of sense around me, but it scares me cuz...I see so many (more) things that I won't be able to be A PART of, that I will not willingly subscribe to because I CAN'T Just Accept it! And that scares me a little because....what if it's TOO much? What if I can't "deal" with American/Western life anymore!? Right now, I cannot say I have any desire to live out in the woods on my own or feel forced by conviction to leave that country AGAIN but......"for good."

None of this is really new for me though, these thoughts and perceptions concerning the world around me, the SCALE OF IT is what is changing. As I was writing this a song I wrote a long time ago came to mind. The first half of the lyrics read...

"I have a problem with people who say too many meaningless things in a row
And I have a problem with people who pray to a God that they don't really know
And I have a problem with how the world works and how we're living our lives
And I have a problem with all of the jerks that are armed with fists guns and knives

I have a say in the part that I play And I'm not gonna help anymore
I will not be a follower, a number, a victim, a numb little whore...

I won't be a part of this
I don't need a Therapist
Most of you don't even try...

I'm--the One--Who Wants--to be--ALIVE!"

...I guess that about sums it up :-\


samantha said...

I know the feeling all too well, alienated yourself in a country that formerly belonged to you, it's a pretty warped feeling but it's also comforting. Well, in my case it was realisation that I knew where home was and could embrace it through the "homecoming" experience. Sometimes it was a little harsh reality that you had moved on while your bubble at home never shifted, but that also was a nice thing to know that everything there had it's place, and you still loved it, but this time without you permanantly fixed to it. Enjoy babe.

samantha said...

P.s I truly think U have a talent for lyrics and rhyme !!!

KJ Ink said...

Thank you dear!

I get what you're saying and I'm glad you can relate. Part of what trips me out though just seems to me that if we took this experience at a relatively small level and expanded it through even more experiences of the world....what would happen? I mean, eventually would you be forced to realize are a turtle, that your "home" is truly inside of you? Or is it EVERYwhere and anywhere you plant any roots? Or both at the same time? Just somethin to think about I guess. THANKS FOR READING SAM! :)