January 28, 2012

Sincerely, The 1%

I wrote this a couple months back, and I wanted to post it right away, but I also wanted to write a straight piece of literature, no performance elements, and I failed. I couldn't keep em out. And once it all fell outta me onto the page (like THAT), I didn't wanna compromise or ruin the performance for anybody by posting it beforehand. So I didn't.

Well last night the chance finally came to perform it. And even though when I initially wrote it, I thought it was cool and could be great, by the time the time came to present the piece, I wasn't so sure. For a performance piece it is REALLY long, and if the satire fell flat on the audience then that would suck! Luckily, last night, that was not the case. It was honestly one of the best experiences I've had performing TO DATE! It was received far better than I expected. They laughed. They LAUGHED! I couldn't have been happier. So now I'll post it, lol. I'm not saying I'll never perform it again any time soon, I may very well, so you're welcome to hold off for that day and not read it so you get the full effect, but that is up to you now. Lemme know what you think. Cheers. :)


Dear masses, do not express your massive discontent. Especially if you don’t have a plan for how to make you happy. Just because we’ve spent the last hundred years creating a system that is so convoluted, lopsided, and engrained into everyday life that you couldn’t possibly extract it without hemorrhaging the livelihood of our civilization, doesn’t mean you get to protest without knowing how to fix it. That would be silly. It’s like you think we’re suddenly gonna “get it” and pull the plug on ourselves. Please, be realistic.

We are self-servers. You are the servers. We do everything to serve ourselves and you serve pretty much whoever we tell you to. That’s how it’s always been. We know there was a dream in there somewhere of equality and ending poverty, along with some democracy (whatever that word means to you) but…c’mon, we don’t really care. And thanks to us, you don’t really care either. Until now. Now you finally put 2 and 2 and 2 and 2 and 2 and 2 and 2 and 2 and 2 and 2 and 2 and 2 and 2 and 2 together, and finally figured out that there’s….an awful lot of you who are suffering thru a life that many of us don’t struggle with at all.

Not that we have it so easy, we have our problems too, some of us even have gay children, but yes, for you it may be a tad less enjoyable than for us. And we’ve always sympathized in our own…detached way. We have. And we’ve tried to help in our own….infinitesimal way. But you do understand that IF we helped too much, it would hurt you! It would rob you of the enormous satisfaction of making it on your own two feet, the same satisfaction that our great great great grandfathers experienced, which was really not entirely because of all the slaves and…weapons they had.

Plus, if we helped you too much, that would not be serving ourselves. Which is kind of like…our thing, to put it in words you might understand. You don’t want us to change do you? If we weren’t so rich and powerful, then what would you have to work towards your entire lives? So what if for 50 percent of you it ends in failure or mild disappointment, you didn’t know that, we knew but you didn’t know that, and that makes all the difference! It gave you a reason to wake up in morning. Thanks to us! Besides, so what if at the end of your life, you’re not everything you wanted to be and you have nothing to leave your children? “Quiet desperation” isn’t so bad. Since it’s quiet!

Just be happy you’re alive! Not that you shouldn’t be alive, that’s not a threat or anything, why would we threaten you, we need you! To keep buying things. So be happy, you’re alive! And show your happiness by supporting your fellow man. We’ve even had some stickers and t-shirts made to do our part in helping different industries, like this design we made for the farming industry (See below). Sales are lower than ever before, and we are here to show our support. All the proceeds from these shirts will go straight to the farmers. Or the milkers…whoever’s responsible for milk. And ALL the wonderful dairy products we are fortunate to have.

You see, this isn’t so bad. Workin together towards a common cause. In no time, things will be back to normal and you’ll forget all about our ridiculously rich asses. I mean, assets. You’ll forget all about those. And trust me, that is better for all of us. Cuz we are not like you people. Sac…..sac…..sacrifice is kind of a dirty word in our world. I don’t even know if I’ve ever said it. Outside of the context of pensions and personnel that is, but you guys are really good at it. You make sacrifices ALL THE TIME. We have no idea how you do it!

To be honest, we kind of look up to you for it even as we’re looking down on you. There are some days when we wish we could be like you. I mean they’re rare, like once in a blue moon rare, but they do happen. And on those days we admire you and wish we could do what you do, but we can’t. We’re just too rich and spoiled, like a New York cheesecake, that’s been sitting out on a table for over an hour. Ugh, what a waste, what a burden on our……consciences. Is that the word? Yeah, those things get really troubled sometimes and we question whether it’s necessary to spend thousands of dollars getting our pets groomed every month when some of you can’t even feed your kids. Ugh, terrible. It’s just not fair. But, such is life.

And like I said, we’re not gonna change. We’d change if we could or if we had a good reason to, but…we really don’t. I mean, to get us to care you would probably have to protest all the time, and picket and boycott and be organized and have walk outs and sit ins and strikes and meetings and marches and rallies and demonstrations and unity and more protests, until we took you seriously, until we saw what you see everyday and could no longer ignore the GROSS inequality that exists in our everyday lives! But most of you seem far too complacent to do that so…I don’t even know why we’re talking about this. I’m sure this will pass soon. You guys used to get angry and active and make a fuss all the time not too long ago, but once we gave you equal rights, you seemed quite happy to suffer through the hardships of your lives without much of a peep, and accepted that your failures were your own, instead of noticing that the insurance, economic, political, and education systems are kind of working against you, which certainly works for us.

Oh masses, we hope you understand where we’re coming from. And we do wish you the best of luck, since…there’s not much else you could hope for. Once you calm down, and accept once again that this is as good as it’s going to get, Please remember, that there is more to your lives than struggle and debt. There’s……sunshine, and weather and blankets. Even homeless people have those. Occasionally there’s even a nice park that is safe to walk through, but….just don’t spend too much time there. Live your lives as freely as you’re allowed to, and don’t forget that every dollar you spend, goes to somebody who really really wants it.

Take care of yourselves. So we don’t have to. Haha ;-)


The 1%

p.s. Newt Gingrich says hi.


Mandy said...

Dude...this is genius. I love it!

having a "come to Jesus" moment said...


Laraine Herring said...

Love it, Mike! You ought to hear the b.s. going on in the Republican debates ... (& I know it's not just Republicans ... but Newt is an insult to newts everywhere ... and I could go on)

Thx for the updated e-mail!

KJ Ink said...

HEY! I never saw these comments! Thank you, each of you.