The Night I Owned the Mic

That's right! OWNNNED!

(this picture may not seem like it belongs here cuz it was taken back in Thailand, but it really does belong here :)

I did it. I accomplished a landmark goal for me. Something I was hoping for, something I believed I could do for the first time in my life and I did it. But it did not come easily or quickly.

I already wrote about Santa Cruz and what happened at that slam and how it was more of a warm up than anything. Not only did I not come out with my best pieces, it wasn't even a full slam. Only two rounds and a one-minute time limit on the first round. I think they had time constrictions on the space they were using, ergo less of a slam than you might expect. Seattle though was a whole nother story. I went up there with full intentions of taking the gloves off and SEEING What could/would happen when I did just that, for the first time! I was there to bring my best, I was pumped, I was all UPPER CUT UPPER CUT, JAB JAB...and I got castrated.

I have not slammed in 8 or nine years, so each place I've been to thus far has taught me something. I've been analyzing the whole experience and reaping as much as I can from it to prepare myself that much more for the next chance. I assumed Seattle would be a hotspot for Slam, I expected that they would have a community and tough competition every week in the form of seasoned slam team members, and I was right. Still, I felt, no, BELIEVED the three poems I had lined up could hold their own in the face of any adversary. Well, I was right and I was wrong at the same time.

What Santa Cruz and Seattle taught me was that there are two significant hurdles I must overcome whenever I step up to a mic in unknown territory. I must overcome the local favorites and I must overcome the particular bias in that place, whatever it may be. Every place has its own bias for any number of reasons. And there's NO WAY to know what that is until you've had a chance to observe a crowd, the judges and performers in any one setting. In other words, goin in COLD Sucks. But what that all means is that I have to be THAT Much better than everybody else cuz QUALITY is the only thing that can trump those two variables. My stuff has to be SO Good that they cannot deny this stranger goin off on topics that most the performers there may not be slammin about AND possibly in a style that they don't normally hear/like either. Cuz if they CAN deny me, they will, straight up! And if I'm only just as good, or a little bit better than the house favorites, I will lose to them. Naturally. Make sense? Hope so.

Seattle was crazy! It is easily the "COOLEST" event I've been to out of the three. It was in a big darkly lit bar, with a big stage and lots of seating space and they pretty much packed it. It was well organized, well hosted, a dj playing in between performers and rounds and so on. They never missed a beat and the energy was perfect. Being that it's a weekly event, I knew the audience were probably regulars so they knew what is UP! What does that mean? Well, if you've never been to a slam, it's hard to explain, but let's just say that audience..."participation" is definitely welcome.

Think of the Rocky Horror Picture Show (if you've ever been to a live performance or screening of said show) except less rehearsed/staged. People are encouraged to respond vocally, noisily to what they hear and how they feel. They were on top of all that in the Emerald City. For me, it was dope as fuck. Think of it as LIVE Feedback the whole time you're performing, it's really cool as a performer when people tap into their Immediate reactions and just let em out. And then as an audience member it's just....it defies the prescribed conventions of formal events and performances. By doing so it allows you to relax and become a part of the experience, and even, dare I say, have fun. I strongly encourage anyone who's never been to one to give it a try. If you're in a major city, I guarantee there will be one and I guarantee you'll get your five dollars worth. AND you'll be supporting an art that is so easy and fun to support and be a part of.

Anyway, sitting there, waiting for it start, watching the open mic portion of the nite, I was stoked. This is what I would love to be a part of REGULARLY. This environment, this audience, this level of slam. People really came out for it. I had no idea how my work might be received but I was excited to find out.

The bar is called Re-bar, and according to Josh, though he had never been there before, it was kind of a gay bar, or at least gay friendly. After casing the place and seeing some of the slam contestants, I think we can more specifically describe it as a very lesbian friendly bar. There were a lot of them, a couple gays as well. But it became pretty clear as the night went on and scores went up that that is where the bias was leaning. By the end of the three rounds, the three contestants still standing were all lesbians. 2 of them were great and certainly deserved to be up there, one em had us scratchin our heads though. But hey, not only were they the local favorites, they fit the favored demographic. Coincidence? I think not.

For example there was one old guy that went up there who was clearly an experienced poet/slammer. He did an amazing piece. It was funny all the way thru, while being poignant and beautiful. Somehow this guy got a lower score than me. We looked back at the scores in disbelief. What gives? Well, that's the bias at work. It's kind of sad or frustrating sometimes but...to each his or her own. The judges are picked at random and it's totally up to their arbitrary assessment of what they just saw.

Here's my buddy's take on it, he came out to see me perform in Seattle so I wrote him to tell him what happened in Phoenix and this is what he said :)...
He didn't even stay for the whole thing and that's his (somewhat humorous) assessment of that particular scene. And yeah, the first and last points are kinda true for any slam anywhere, writing IS Cathartic, BIG TIME. But that 2nd point was definitely unique. Nevertheless, that is what I had to overcome and overcome I did not.

I got cut in the first round. Just like that, "Have a seat bub, we'll take it from here." From ten poets to five in the second round and I missed it by one. I really didn't see that coming. I know that poem isn't the best of the three I picked, it's the relative worst in fact, but I thought for sure it was good enough to get me into the second round. I was wrong. Between the three lesbians and two dudes who were all well-versed in slam, I didn't come strong enough. I did the "World Where We Don't Care" piece and I did it well, Josh and my other friend were impressed but my scores were just sorta average. Obviously.

And that really blew. Mainly because the other two pieces I was gonna do were potentially so good! And I really wanted to try em out on this crowd! Such a good crowd, such a diverse crowd, way more diversity than I'd seen elsewhere. Not to mention Josh and David who came to support me and see me do this thing I do. It sucked, but I didn't feel defeated or anything, it wasn't a blow to my self-esteem, I was just bummed that I didn't get more of a chance.

I left there feeling very unsatisfied and it did plant a seed of doubt as to whether I COULD win a slam with these pieces. And it had me thinking that maybe I'm overestimating that first piece, maybe it's not as good as I've come to think based on reactions I got in Bangkok and so on. Yo no se. Mai roo. I tried not to think about it too much. After all I did have one more solid chance to ROCK IT and prove it to myself that this can be done.

A few days later it was time to slam in Mesa. I accepted the fact that I didn't know how it was gonna turn out, but I was confident that I was at least prepared to do my best. The biggest difference between this slam and all the others was that I actually had a slew of support in the audience. It was probably the best turn out I've had to anything I've invited people to in years! In the states that is ;). Nine people came out to see me shout, and it was a helluva drive for pretty much all of em! I was stoked and impressed. Thank you all again for bein there, what a treat and what a pleasure to be able to share that with all of you. FINALLY.

(The first of my peeps to arrive)

They bore witness to one of the best nights of the whole trip and certainly a memorable night in my life. The night I won my first poetry slam! WOOHOO! Thank God I was able to put a show on for em and didn't get cut in the first round like Seattle! Lol. Man, that woulda sucked! But no, I knew that wouldn't happen, I was prepared and prepared to be flexible with the order of my poems to ensure I stayed in the cream on top. In the end though, I didn't have to change anything. I did the same three I WOULDVE done in Seattle had I been given the chance, and I did em in the same order. The difference in reception was exceptional though.

I did that first poem, the one where I'm talkin like a flight attendant, and they loved it. Got a couple tens right off the bat. It was tight. After that I did the New Years Eve poem and...yeah, I think it's safe to say that's one of the best pieces I've EVER written. Which is ironic for so many reasons! But I got some really high scores for that one too. Then I closed with a piece I'd never performed before, THE MATTER, and...it went off and went down well I think. I didn't do it perfectly, I rushed it a little, but...it's a challenging piece to do, my most challenging yet, I didn't get any tens for it, but I got a LOT of nines I think. So I definitely did consistently well.

Numbers aren't my thing, as you may know, so I wasn't exactly keepin track of scores but...there's a chance I was in the lead from one round to the next. That isn't to say I didn't have any competition though. There might not have been as MANY strong competitors at this one as there have been at the others, but by the end of the night, the poets on my heels were comin out with some really strong pieces. I WAS LOVIN IT! Great stuff, had us all up in laughter between waves of beauty and insight. What a show overall, I was proud to be a part of it, much less to take the win! Damn that is SO COOL though. To come back and win one, in the same city I sat and watched and studied and learned and got schooled in, the art of slam!

The other cool part is that all my prior experience in Mesa taught me that one of their biggest biases was against rhyme. They Did NOT Like Rhyme! All the team poets wrote in free verse, all the guest poets performed in free verse, I was one of the only people who would get up there and regularly spit in rhyme. And over time they made it clear, through judging and those who would speak to me, that they liked me, liked my content but didn't like the rhyme. Which I didn't take personal, I wrote in every form, it's not like rhyming was my "THING," the problem was and always has been...free verse is fuckin hard to memorize! I got stuff, I just never took the time to get it down. So yeah, point being, the other night, my big win...ALL RHYME baby. Every piece. In Mesa. Word.

I won't lie, that is a confidence boost I could totally use! This is still really new to me in lots of ways. I still get reasonably nervous up there. And I got really nervous after they announced me as the winner, HOLY SHIT, I was shy and speechless as can be, I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH APPLAUSE! I just wanted to crawl under a hole! That is a crazy foreign substance to me, along with praise and anything else that comes with it. I am so not used that part of the experience, and I hadn't really prepared myself mentally for it either. Even though I've been vying for the win for a month now, as soon as I got it I was like a bumbling idiot! Seriously, my only regret of the night came AFTER I won.

(The host up there doin his thing)

He called me up there to give me the money and I went up there and got it and turned around and wanted to just rush back to my seat so people would stop clapping, but I knew I had to do something other than stare at the ground and scurry away, so I made a silly gesture wavin the money in the air to get a quick laugh and then beelined it for my seat. Before I could go back there though, the host said somethin about a....oh I forget what they call it, like a victory lap but with a poem instead. And THIS I was able to anticipate cuz I've seen em do it before, so I stopped and was like....alllllllll right. And I went back up to the mic, but instead of doing the one thing I shoulda done up there, I just picked a poem, went into it, did my thing and sat down! Cuz THAT'S THE ONE THING I'm good at and confident enough to do, whereas I SHOULDVE Said "HEY, THANKS FOR LIKIN MY SHIT PEOPLE! Geez, Real nice of you!" But did I say that? NO! I didn't say thanks to the audience, I didn't say thanks to the judges, it didn't even cross my mind til I finally got back to my seat cuz I was so overwhelmed and flustered by it all. What a rookie move! So disappointed in myself for that. Lame.

What I learned that night is, when it comes to me and microphones: performing pieces, no probs; AD LIBBING and just addressing the crowd, bloody hell, you would think I was King George! Especially after people were applauding me, so not cool! Lol. I need to find my inner AC Slater and Vjay the hell out of those moments! F'reeeeal!

It was QUITE awesome though. What a win. What a night. I did, after realizing my faux pas, make my way around and thank and tip my hat to my competitors and the organizers though. Some cool peeps there. It was an honor to face off with them. Kinda makes me sad that I won't get to do that on a regular basis. It's a GREAT way to hone your craft but it's also inspirational, motivational, and...humbling. Either way...I'M IN. This is something I will do for years to come. It will be a staple in my life. As time goes on, I foresee it becoming a bigger and bigger "hobby" for me, and as more times goes on it may peak and become and smaller and smaller part of my life as I move on to other things, new challenges. But I know the experience I pull from that plot line will benefit me wherever I go. I can't wait to see how many doors it makes manifest and how many I actually open.

SLAMMIN in Santa Cruz!

So as promised I did begin slamming again! First time in 8 years. A few nights ago. In Santa Cruz. It was awesome. But I didn't win. Not that I expected to, but...you never know. :)

Na, it was really cool though. I had some fierce/great competition. A couple members of the UCSC slam team (which got 2nd at nationals) were competing that night, so I really would've had to bring out my best poems to have a chance against em, and I didn't. I decided to try out an old piece I've never performed before. I already figured it wasn't anything amazing but...the timing seemed right to test it out, so I did.

Part of the reason I did that one though was because I got thrown off by how they do it there. They only have two rounds (normally (in my experience at least) there's three) and the first round is only one minute. When I found that out I was like" shit, what poems do I have that are under a minute?!" Again, it's been SO LONG since I've competed or even been to one of these things, I thought it best to play by the rules, stay between the lines and such, and since I happened to be the FIRST one up for some reason, I didn't have a chance to see that everyone else just says "fuck the time limit" (which they said many times actually) and does whatever! I woulda been better off doing that too (if I wanted a chance to win) but at the same time I'm glad I tested that one out. It got a decent score, outta five judges, it got one ten, a nine somethin, and an eight somethin and so on. But it got a low score of 4, so...that hurt. It felt good though, I didn't really care about the scores much, I'm mainly just in it for the experience, the rush, the practice. Everything else is gravy.

Honestly, the best part of it all was getting to share that part of my existence with Erica and getting to see her reaction. Which was awesome! She was stoked by the whole experience, but also by my performances, and seein her surprise and joy was all the support and motivation I could ask for that night. Think I may have even made a convert out of her, she wants to go back and do it herself. MAD PROPS if she does!

I love bein able to SHARE this side of me with you guys though, that is easily one of the best parts of this trip home. As soon as I started doing it again, as soon as I felt that desire and the hunger to perform and then did that first time in Bangkok, it instantly became ridiculous to me that I ever stopped AND that so few people in my life even know that I CAN do this. I'm like a closeted heterosexual...poet. A very straight poet who's been in the closet for a very long time. For some reason. Even though I'm not gay at all. It's time to tear those slatted doors off the hinges! Or at least knock down a wall, make it a walk-in closet and invite all of you inside. "Pay no mind to the feather boas in the corner guys, those aren't mine, I swearrr!"

Back to the slam, regardless of my score in the first round, that little dinky poem I wrote in 1998 was good enough to get me into the second round! I made the cut, from 8 poets to 4. The second round was three minutes, much better, enough time to spread the wings a bit. And I brought what seems to be one of my better pieces, the one I performed at Anja's housewarming, my NYE poem, and it came out perfectly. Powerfully. I felt it, every step of the way. And it seems like I blew that crowd away with it. I GOT THREE TENS! I don't remember anybody else getting that many perfect scores all night. Those judges were not generous, but they couldn't deny me on that one. It was awesome. I think the low score was like an 8.6. So that one rocks for sure! I'll be bringin that one to Seattle, no doubt!

Oh yeah, I did that one without a mic too! Can you imagine?? :)
Well I hope so, cuz we did a terrible job of documenting the night!

I wasn't sure where I stood in the scores, I couldn't remember my own from the first round, so I was a little hopeful that the second one might swing me up there but...the competition was just too strong. These were seasoned pros for all intents and purposes, on their home turf! And their poems were excellent. In the end it didn't matter how great my second poem was, the first one had to be top notch too. If I hadn't gone first, I coulda cased the place and figured that out but...it's cool. I think Seattle would be a much cooler place to win it anyway! No offense Santa Cruz ;).

After it was over I had a couple people come up and talk to me and say some nice things, and then when it was one of the team members, I could tell they were kinda scoutin and wantin to recruit me :). It was cool.
They're all, "you should come back for the next one, really!"
And I'm all, "I don't live here, I'm just passin thru town, havin a little fun."
"Then you can drive back in a couple weeks, c'mon! Where do you live?"
"Bangkok."
".......Oh! ....Well that's not very close."
"No it's not" :)

It was cute. It was fun. It was really a great warm up and that's kinda how I see it. Cuz while I did do my best, I know I didn't bring my best work out so.....guess what I'm gonna do next time?! OH YEAH, GUNS-A-BLAZIN! Seattle's slam has to be even bigger than this one. And the competition has to be just as fierce, which is fine, I don't expect it to come easy. But I really do believe if I do three of my bestest poems and do em well, I can take the cake! And I'm lookin forward to the day that I do.

I'll let you know how it goes folks. The next one is Seattle on the 5th and then Phoenix on the ninth. Both of em could be bigguns. I'm gonna miss the one in Portland (unfortunately) it looks like and I haven't found out about Austin yet, but....if I place in the next two, I think I'll be pretty damn satisfied! Wish me luck guys, I do hope to make ya proud!

Peace out & Palabra!
(the featured poets doin their thing in tandem. Also the ONE picture I took while we were there. WHAT? I WAS FOCUSED!)

A California Story of My Life

I am now in the beginning of the third leg of my trip. PDX, P-town, Portlandia. A cool place to chill in and regroup in. This isn't about where I am though, it's about where I once was.

Santa Cruz was a trip. I kinda forgot that I've really been there before. The memory of that time in my life is a little haunting so I think I blocked out the impression the place left on me, along with the direness of my situation.

The last time I was there I wasn't really there by choice. I was there because that was the best place to be in the midst of a terrible situation. Nothin that bad mind you, but living thru it was a lot worse than it sounds.

Prior to ending up in Santa Cruz I was moving up to Portland with some friends (a family) and during the caravan drive up there my truck broke down. I mean fucking BROKE Down! The engine overheated and blew. Bad bad bad. So we left the truck with a mechanic that we knew and continued the journey to P-town.

Once I got word that the truck was fixed, I grey-hounded my way down to Santa Maria to get it. Picked it up, hit the road and thanks to the competency of said mechanics, it blew again. F'real. They fixed it without fixing it. Something I paid them a couple thousand to do, only to have it break again. So I went from having gaskets and heads replaced to getting a whole new flippin engine. For those of you wondering where all my debt came from, this fiasco represented a good quarter of it!

SO! Even though they claimed that this was somehow my fault, I left the truck with them to fix it again. For real this time, not just for pretend. Rather than bus all the way back up to Portland and come right back in a week or so, I called upon Erica to help me out and help me out she did. She was in her first year at UCSC at the time. I rented a car and drove up and crashed at her place for like a week. Even though she's a sweetheart, and one of the most beautiful people in my life, I was not in a good place. I did not want to be there, I wanted this shit behind me, I wanted to begin a new life in Portland, NOT deal with bullshit that I was not dealing well with. My life was a mess, I was a mess, before the ordeal with my truck even started, shit had been pear-shaped, and I was just trying to hold my sanity together. As this unbelievable drama with my truck continued, I was getting closer and closer to complete self-destruction. Nothing was going my way. And then I was stuck in a place I had no desire to be in for an unknown number of days, completely in limbo and living mostly on credit cards. What a disaster.

Needless to say I got thru it though. It took a long while before I saw better days, particularly on the inside, but the time did come. The last time I was in Santa Cruz, I felt like I had nothing. I had either lost or given up all I knew or cared about, and my life was full of uncertainty (and pain and sadness). The only thing I knew for certain was I couldn't be in Phoenix anymore, it had burned me to the ground, and everything that happened with my truck in California was just an echo of all that. More madness: yay.

Here's the thing. While I was in Santa Cruz the first time, stumbling my way through my fucked up life, I had to setup a bank account there for some reason. State lines or somethin ruther. It was there and then that the picture on my current debit card was taken. This picture is terrible. It doesn't even look like me. I mean, the quality of the picture is bad in addition to how bad I look, but either way, whenever I look at it, I remember. What a wreck I was. I remember how terrible I felt and how broken my life had become. It was a picture from a time in my life that I do not go back and look at pictures of. But this one kept the memory of those days alive.

After Erica picked me up from airport this time around, we drove into Santa Cruz and I told her I needed to do some banking real quick. We pulled off the interstate and as we crossed a little bridge, I was flooded with memories as the scenery suddenly became very familiar to me. "I've been here before. I've seen this place. I forgot...and I did not expect to remember." But remember I did. And as we drove down the street a little ways, I continued to recognize what I thought would be foreign territory, and then she directed my attention to the bank we were headed for. It was THE bank. The same bank I had taken that terrible picture in 6 years prior when I was broke and broken, spiraling into debt and trying not to kill myself, accidentally. I had returned.

I couldn't believe it. It happened too fast. First remembering that I had BEEN there, not just briefly, but had lived there for many days in that area, driving around, living out the effects of a sickening series of events. And then I turned my head and found myself looking at the one innocuous thing that has maintained a presence in my memory for all these years. The bank that found me at my worst and said "Hey, let's take a picture!" A mug shot I've been carrying around in my wallet, an unwanted reminder, a picture of me...that doesn't even look like me.

And there I was walking inside of it, so different. SO DIFFERENT. From a downward spiral to an upswing. From one of the lowest points of my life, to one of the best. Virtually, "a new man." I even had the pleasure of depositing a wad of cash from my Thai account!

I had returned. Of all the places to go first, of all the banks we could pull into, we drove into that one. A circle was closed. Just like that. I was shown clearly the before and after. I knew it wasn't chance. It was too perfect. It was...scripted. It was Life's way of taking me by the back of the head and making me look in a mirror. A mirror in which my past is strewn out behind me, forcing me to see how much I have become a better man.

KJ Slam Tour / Itinerary

All right kids, here’s the dealio as best as I can figure it so far. I’ve tried to format it a little bit so it’s easy to skim/read.

I’m in AZ now (3/23 3:59pm) and will be til the 25^th, leaving that morning for Santa Cruz.

I’ll be arriving in Santa Cruz, Friday at 8am and leaving there the 28/29^th for Portland.

While I’m in Santa Cruz I’ll be doing my first poetry SLAM of the tour it looks like. The timing just happens to work out. So that Saturday, the 26^th, I’ll be Competing for the first time in many years. Exciting. Sure hope I don’t suck.

29thish. Get to Portland, bounce between a couple of warm inviting couches (I hope :), catch up with people, take care of a little business with my storage unit there, and try not to overstay my welcome before the 2^nd.

While I’m in Portland I would love to perform for you guys, but the only SLAM I can find is on the third and I need to be gone by then. I’ll look for an open mic between those days and try to do somethin there for ya.

Bounce on a train and be in Seattle by the 3^rd. Hook up with Josh and do what we do. On the fifth there happens to be a SLAM. I’ll enter in that and compete again. I think I may just bring my best and try to win em since I may never even make it back in those places. Try some of my favorite pieces, new and old, on different groups of people and see how they vibe. It’ll be interesting.

I’m pretty sure at one or two of these places I’m going to perform a new poem that I’ve never performed or shared with any of you guys before. It’s probably my most…energetic piece ever so I’m saving it for special occasions. But I’m gonna try it out here and see how it goes. I REALLY do not know how people are going to react to it. But I’m definitely ready to find out. It’s called, The Matter. Or at least it is right now.

Anyway, I’ll hang in Seattle for a few days and reconnect with Josh. We haven’t set a date of departure yet, but it will be no later than the 8^th.

8^th or earlier. I’ll fly back to Phoenix. On Saturday the 9^th I AM SLAMMING in Phoenix! Mesa to be exact. Of the slams I’ve looked up in 4 different states, this feels like it might be the biggest. It seems real serious and organized but who can really tell by a website alone. But the people who are runnin it have been doin this a long time and it is the only one that MADE the poets register in advance, so…?

Point is PHOENICIANS, The NINTH is The night! It might be your only chance to see me perform and do this thing that I think I’m going to be a doing a lot and for along time. This is a new beginning for me and it’s goin real well for me so far in Bangkok, so…it’s only going to get bigger and better. And since it may be another two years til I’m here, if you wanna have any idea what I’m going on and on about on facebook or my blog, this is your chance. I’ll send out an email after this with the details on it. There’s even a little cover charge.

8^thish to the 20^th I’m in Phoenix. The slam is the only thing SCHEDULED. But a dinner night/bowling night/party night is definitely in the blueprints. Possibly all on the same night ;). Not to mention some gift giving. Can’t forget that, I don’t wanna carry it all back!

Also, if cash permits, I might rent a car that week so I can jam out here and there as I please and not leave my parents without a car. So that’s when I’ll be holla’in at you. people in Tempe and BFE. I don’t know about goin up to Prescott to see you Laraine, let me know what you think and where you’re at.

21^st I go to Austin. I’m there til the 27^th it looks like. Should be a helluva time. Goin campin in Yosemite Baby! Or Bubu, whichever works I guess. I'll bring the picnic basket.

I haven’t gotten so far ahead as to look up SLAMMIN in Austin. I gotta find out what nights we’ll be in town, it’s only gonna be a couple I think so odds are against me. Either way, I’ll look for an open mic and maybe make somethin happen. Show my buddy Joe what I got in my lyrical bag of tricks.

April 27^th I’m back in Phoenix. Right now I am scheduled to fly out on the 4^th of May, back to Bangkok. I am kinda thinkin about movin it to the 2^nd IF I can, just to give myself a little bit more downtime there before I go back to work. Regardless, I got a good several days back in the valley that you people better soak up. The last thing I wanna be is bored in Phoenix. Invite me over PLEASE!

So that’s it! That’s the plan. The first leg of it has been goin well. Nice and smooth, seein people one at a time, spendin some real time catchin up, none of that wham-bam thank ya ma’am shit. I like it. It’s a nice change. Bein at home is weird and slightly oppressive, I really do like havin my own space, bein able to make noise (a slam poet needs to practice ya know!) and go in and out without a buncha questions! But whatevs. It’s good for my folks and good for me spendin some real time with them too.

My number again 480-437-0438. Do use it, it helps, when I get real busy seein people, it’s hard to keep track and…the squeaky wheel gets the grease. I don’t wanna forget anyone, but if you never make a peep, don’t be mad if we miss each other at the last minute. Holla at me. I miss you and I’ve really been enjoyin seein the people I already have. There’s plenty of time left, so no excuses.

PEACE!

My Brother

The first night in America, the first night home, was way more exciting than I thought possible. This is all because of my brother. My brother, who is that? Who is he? I wasn't sure myself. I haven't seen the man since...2001. And that's just a best guess. I haven't seen the man since the last time he went to prison. We kinda had a falling out about that time. Since he's been out, we've exchanged a few words, but not much. He was out the last time I came home two years ago but he was in Texas. I didn't even know that til I got here. So this time I didn't know what to expect. Didn't know what to expect at all. But I knew, in my heart, that I was ready to rejoin with this man, to reconnect and rebuild, to show some love. I love him, he's my brother, he may be a big lug sometimes, but you can't hold that against him forever.

When I showed up, he was home. I didn't know he was home til he came walkin through the room and waved a "What up" to me like it was no big thing. Dumb ass. Like I'm just gonna let him walk by me. I don't care what beef he thinks he has or what chips he has stacked up on his shoulders these days, he's given me a hug! I went over and did our reunion justice, I think he was uncomfortable, I don't know why but...I can imagine. I just knew I wasn't gonna let that stop me from tryin to get back in his life. I played it cool though, let him walk off, doin what he was doin and went back to sittin with my folks. Later on though, that night, I pushed it and went to his room and started talkin to him about random shit. He didn't seem too cold so I kept it goin and pretty soon he asked if I wanted to go out and get a drink. How could I say no?

On the way there we connected, we bridged a gap, thanks to somethin he found out we have in common. From that point on, his guard started to falter and he started to open up and relax and be....my brother. He took me to this bar/club he used to bounce at, introduced me to some people, walked around, checked out the scene. It was bouncin, especially for a wednesday night. Within ten minutes of bein there some random dude walks up to my brother and says "You are HUGE," my brother smiles, says thanks. I ask him if it ever gets old? He smiles again, "Naaaa" Of course not I say, why would it. He is enormous. He is still the biggest man I've ever known. As we walk around the club, I am completely hidden behind him. His 6'7" frame is that of a juggernaut. And as I walk in his wake, I am privy to the candid reactions of those we pass, and react they do. Some people can't help it, guys and girls alike: they stare, they say stupid things, laughing at how small they just felt lookin up at him. There isn't a man in the place who doesn't feel a little small lookin at Will, my fuckin house of a brother.

The night went on and on. It was a trip. I partied with my brother for the first time in ten years or so. God it took me back. Felt good too. He talked a lot, which was good, cuz the things he told me were things I needed to hear. It seems like he's grown up, a lot, in the past couple years. He spoke of learning lessons and told me stories of his recent travels around America. The odds have always been stacked against him, for one reason or another, but...for once, it seems like he has a fighting chance.

KJ on Tour --1st Day

Comin back is always weird. I guess that can't be helped and shouldn't be worried about. Comin back is weird, accept it. From the moment I land in San Francisco, I begin to....try to not wig out, I begin adapting. Of course when my first purchase is a bottle of water that costs me 2.50, adapting aint all that easy. 2.50! A price I couldn't dream of paying in Thailand. And then I sit and look around and watch people and try to remember if this is really where I'm from. Am I like these people? And if not, how am I different? Americans. What a lot. My eyes seem to get more critical as time goes on, but as I'm walking around I remember that I've always been critical of....US. Some of my best poems from high school, pieces I'm still using today, are taking shots at the status quo, at this norm, which is good that that's the case, otherwise I might feel like I've become a traitor, like I've jumped ship, like I think I'm better then them now just cuz I've been abroad "Oooooo," but no. That's not the case. I've always taken issue with life here. Something just isn't right, but few seem to see it.

Getting home was cool. Not much different than last time, cept my brother is here, which is a big fuckin difference. But because of that my Dad set up another bedroom for me and of all places...it is my old bedroom. Right now I am sleeping and typing in a room that I haven't slept in since I was twelve. I'm afraid that if I look around and start remembering too much that I might start crying. I know these walls too well. I spent years of my life in this room. The furniture is all gone, it's pretty much empty except for this air-up mattress they put in for me. But there is a nightstand, an old one that has been in our house forever, and on top of that nightstand there stands a lamp. My lamp. I can't remember ever having another lamp next to my bed. Always this one, tall and baby blue. And here it is, still here, still alive, still in existence, still doin what it does in this old room. Of all the places I could end up, why this room? Why am I being taken back THAT FAR. I wonder if the hole I burned in the carpet is still there, I'm scared to look. The past is so full. But we rarely ever encounter it like this, we rarely have the distance needed to gain perspective over the whole of it. But sometimes we get to sit in a room that is devoid of furniture and unadorned with decorations but stuffed full of memories. Your own memories. The ones you made, by hand, by foot, by matches.

If I started writing about everything I can remember happening in this room...I might never make it back to Bangkok. The ghost of myself would hand me a toy and I'd spend years trying to document what life is like in a frozen cocoon.

What Happens When Strangers Bare their Hearts in my Presence

THE PREFACE:

Yesterday, I wrote a message to a COMPLETE stranger, answering a question that she wrote on a friend's "Note." It was a sincere, heartfelt question and....he wasn't up to answering but I felt like I had something to say to her that might help, so I wrote her a private message.

CRAZY INNIT?? :)

I've never done that before. I totally stuck my neck out! Just like that!

No doubt, I am actively testing the limits of what I can do with this newfound purpose and this drive to create and communicate what I see. I’m waiting to run into a wall. I’m waiting.

The background is a facebook “note” that a buddy of mine posted about “hope” and “not giving up” and such, his final statement read, "I strongly believe in not giving up without trying hard. I hope you do too." That pretty much sums it up.

The woman’s response to this note, which I also included in my response to her, said this:

'trying hard'... what is the definition, because sometimes i believe i've tried so hard but maybe what i don't know is that my marker for hard is what has fallen short. But by then i've succumbed to...defeat

See what I mean? She REALLY Meant what she said. For one minute she kind of....bared her heart.

And if it really was just for one minute then....odds are she’s not going to appreciate me taking that one minute she let her guard down and writing a....pep talk(?) about it or something (I don’t know what to call it). I don’t know how she is going to react or has reacted. I haven’t heard anything from her yet, but I’m not nervous or worried. I figure odds ARE…I probably won’t hear anything. But I also don’t think that automatically means my words didn’t speak to her. Who knows how she is going to respond to it all.

(OH, from her picture I can tell you she's an older, most likely Indian woman, maybe....between 30 and 40. That's all I know, other than what is said here. Feel free to tell me I'm crazy, I'll understand ;-P)

WHAT I WROTE HER…

All right, I thought about asking you AND AJ for permission to address your question right then and there but....then I realized....it's a free world, facebook is supposed to be an "open community" of sorts so....why not just click and send you your very own message!?

I realize by doing so I'm doing something out of the ordinary. And I realize by doing something out of the ordinary, the odds are increased that it will not work out to my favor, that somehow I or what I say will not be Well-received, or that someone may not "Approve" of my "Bold" actions. BUT.....I think I have a...perspective worth offering you on the matter that you raised. And being as how I am a writer and a bit of a...public servant (and I have the time), I would rather not choose fear. I would rather choose openness and sharing. I hope you don't mind. Even if you don't like what I have to say, I hope you don't mind. I am, after all, just trying.

Let's go ahead and establish the fact that I don't know AJ very well and I obviously don't know you at all! Nor do I know what your connection to AJ even is, not that it matters. But, with that in mind, I hope you can see that this offers me a high degree of objectivity. And because of that objectivity, you should be able to trust me to some extent, since I am not selling you anything, nor would I have any reason or motive to....mislead you. I am just trying to share what I see in the words that you wrote. Nothing more, nothing less.

Let's see if it works...

Let's review what you said...

~~'trying hard'... what is the definition, because sometimes i believe i've tried so hard but maybe what i don't know is that my marker for hard is what has fallen short. But by then i've succumbed to...defeat.~~

You chose two of his words that you responded to, two words that are very much a part of your vocabulary and your PERSONAL experience of life: Trying hard.

It happens, I know. There are times when we try our 'asses' off and still...not much happens in the way that we want. Lemme show you what I think AJ was trying to say but in slightly more effective words. Or rather just....one word: TRY.

Let's never mind the "hard," that really isn't....important. Not super important, at least not in the big scheme of things. In the big scheme of things all that really matters is that you DO TRY. That is ALL You really have to do! Now.....why do you have to do that? Why? For whom or for what?

For you.

You have to try for yourself! You have to try so that you can look at yourself in the mirror the next day and whether there are tears in your eyes or a smile on your face, you can look at yourself and KNOW that you tried. No matter how it turned out! Because if you DO NOT try, if you do not do what is IN YOUR HEART TO DO, then....that is the worst kind of defeat. That my dear is SELF-Defeat. And there is nothing crueler to do to yourself than Defeat what is trying to be expressed from your heart. There IS NOTHING worse.

But as long as you are in touch with your heart enough, enough that you know what it is truly desiring then....like my quote that I put after AJ's says....all you can really do is try. Because you cannot force the universe to give you anything, you cannot bend anybody else's will. You would have ten times more luck if instead of trying REALLY REALLY REALLY HARD, if you just took a step back, and invited whatever you desire to come in. Generally speaking that is.

Trying is all you can do. And if you try your BEST, well then, EVEN BETTER! Again, not for anybody else, not for the sake or appearance of those around you! Who knows maybe trying your Best means embarrassing yourself in front of those you love and care about! It has meant that for me, but I still did it, because I needed to be able to live with myself, I needed to have as much peace in my heart as possible! I needed to not HAVE Doubts and REGRET! Those are KILLERS, those are the assassins of the heart! And therefore of your will to fully live. And the only way I can or could do that is by giving it a shot. What do you have to lose? Good question. How bout, what do you have to lose if you DONT give it a shot? Better question. Especially if the context is a MATTER of the Heart. Then the latter question will have a much clearer answer if you have any kind of relationship with the SELF that is inside of you. Because there really is a lot of your self to lose, isn't there?

Now about the "Hard" part of that equation. Do not put much stock in it. Cuz....exactly, like you said, who's definition of that should you go by? Well, the answer, after reading above, is kind of obvious isn't it? You should go by your own definition. But I still don't like that word. Don't try hard, I wouldn't suggest you do anything HARD because in my life I have found that when I'm trying hard to do something and it still isn't happening, upon reflection I realize I wasn't doing it the smartest way possible! Hence that expression, work smarter, not harder. Well, I would like to elevate that saying for the purpose of our discussion: Try smarter, not harder. But again, I would just rather say: Try your BEST. You and your heart and only those two things in the world KNOW what your best is! And if you feel you've given it, If you feel you've done ALL YOU COULD POSSIBLY DO and it still isn't working, if you reach that point where the world suddenly seems flat and you feel like you are about to fall off the edge, well then......the answer is simple right? Save yourself. Back away from the edge. Before you do get broken.

There is no need to take it past the point of the best you can do! That doesn't make sense does it? And let's just say it....that kind of martyrdom serves VERY VERY Few, if any. You are obviously TRYING to do what is HUMANLY impossible. To do BETTER than the Best you've ever DONE?? My! Such high standards. Impossibly high I say. Dangerously high I say. That's like trying to fly too close to the sun, isn't it? Why are you surprised when you have been burnt? So do away with that kind of thinking, it will not help you, it will not cause you to prosper or bring you peace. Try your best and leave it at that, and do so CONSISTENTLY, which can be summed up by the saying: Be true to yourself. As long as you do that, the dogs known as Regret and Doubt will not hound you the rest of your days, and you will not waste years of your life TRYING HARD to put yourself back together again because pushed yourself too far.

I hope this makes sense and....speaks well to you.

Thank you for listening.

My name is KJ

Have a good day!