Chutes and Ladders

"The cure for pain is in the pain." ~ Rumi

1-25-12

There is a bigger picture

We often think we got it all figured out

like we're looking at a board game

and can see the next logical natural

inevitable steps and conclusions

but then something happens

and we find out that the picture

is so much bigger than what we thought

At first we respond with fear

and maybe go through all the stages of loss

but if we can make it through all that

without holding onto too much of the darkness therein

we often find that the bigger picture

isn't so bad

It may even be just what we needed

to become the greatest version

of ourselves

Sincerely, The 1%

I wrote this a couple months back, and I wanted to post it right away, but I also wanted to write a straight piece of literature, no performance elements, and I failed. I couldn't keep em out. And once it all fell outta me onto the page (like THAT), I didn't wanna compromise or ruin the performance for anybody by posting it beforehand. So I didn't.

Well last night the chance finally came to perform it. And even though when I initially wrote it, I thought it was cool and could be great, by the time the time came to present the piece, I wasn't so sure. For a performance piece it is REALLY long, and if the satire fell flat on the audience then that would suck! Luckily, last night, that was not the case. It was honestly one of the best experiences I've had performing TO DATE! It was received far better than I expected. They laughed. They LAUGHED! I couldn't have been happier. So now I'll post it, lol. I'm not saying I'll never perform it again any time soon, I may very well, so you're welcome to hold off for that day and not read it so you get the full effect, but that is up to you now. Lemme know what you think. Cheers. :)

_________________________________________________________________

Dear masses, do not express your massive discontent. Especially if you don’t have a plan for how to make you happy. Just because we’ve spent the last hundred years creating a system that is so convoluted, lopsided, and engrained into everyday life that you couldn’t possibly extract it without hemorrhaging the livelihood of our civilization, doesn’t mean you get to protest without knowing how to fix it. That would be silly. It’s like you think we’re suddenly gonna “get it” and pull the plug on ourselves. Please, be realistic.

We are self-servers. You are the servers. We do everything to serve ourselves and you serve pretty much whoever we tell you to. That’s how it’s always been. We know there was a dream in there somewhere of equality and ending poverty, along with some democracy (whatever that word means to you) but…c’mon, we don’t really care. And thanks to us, you don’t really care either. Until now. Now you finally put 2 and 2 and 2 and 2 and 2 and 2 and 2 and 2 and 2 and 2 and 2 and 2 and 2 and 2 together, and finally figured out that there’s….an awful lot of you who are suffering thru a life that many of us don’t struggle with at all.

Not that we have it so easy, we have our problems too, some of us even have gay children, but yes, for you it may be a tad less enjoyable than for us. And we’ve always sympathized in our own…detached way. We have. And we’ve tried to help in our own….infinitesimal way. But you do understand that IF we helped too much, it would hurt you! It would rob you of the enormous satisfaction of making it on your own two feet, the same satisfaction that our great great great grandfathers experienced, which was really not entirely because of all the slaves and…weapons they had.

Plus, if we helped you too much, that would not be serving ourselves. Which is kind of like…our thing, to put it in words you might understand. You don’t want us to change do you? If we weren’t so rich and powerful, then what would you have to work towards your entire lives? So what if for 50 percent of you it ends in failure or mild disappointment, you didn’t know that, we knew but you didn’t know that, and that makes all the difference! It gave you a reason to wake up in morning. Thanks to us! Besides, so what if at the end of your life, you’re not everything you wanted to be and you have nothing to leave your children? “Quiet desperation” isn’t so bad. Since it’s quiet!

Just be happy you’re alive! Not that you shouldn’t be alive, that’s not a threat or anything, why would we threaten you, we need you! To keep buying things. So be happy, you’re alive! And show your happiness by supporting your fellow man. We’ve even had some stickers and t-shirts made to do our part in helping different industries, like this design we made for the farming industry (See below). Sales are lower than ever before, and we are here to show our support. All the proceeds from these shirts will go straight to the farmers. Or the milkers…whoever’s responsible for milk. And ALL the wonderful dairy products we are fortunate to have.

You see, this isn’t so bad. Workin together towards a common cause. In no time, things will be back to normal and you’ll forget all about our ridiculously rich asses. I mean, assets. You’ll forget all about those. And trust me, that is better for all of us. Cuz we are not like you people. Sac…..sac…..sacrifice is kind of a dirty word in our world. I don’t even know if I’ve ever said it. Outside of the context of pensions and personnel that is, but you guys are really good at it. You make sacrifices ALL THE TIME. We have no idea how you do it!

To be honest, we kind of look up to you for it even as we’re looking down on you. There are some days when we wish we could be like you. I mean they’re rare, like once in a blue moon rare, but they do happen. And on those days we admire you and wish we could do what you do, but we can’t. We’re just too rich and spoiled, like a New York cheesecake, that’s been sitting out on a table for over an hour. Ugh, what a waste, what a burden on our……consciences. Is that the word? Yeah, those things get really troubled sometimes and we question whether it’s necessary to spend thousands of dollars getting our pets groomed every month when some of you can’t even feed your kids. Ugh, terrible. It’s just not fair. But, such is life.

And like I said, we’re not gonna change. We’d change if we could or if we had a good reason to, but…we really don’t. I mean, to get us to care you would probably have to protest all the time, and picket and boycott and be organized and have walk outs and sit ins and strikes and meetings and marches and rallies and demonstrations and unity and more protests, until we took you seriously, until we saw what you see everyday and could no longer ignore the GROSS inequality that exists in our everyday lives! But most of you seem far too complacent to do that so…I don’t even know why we’re talking about this. I’m sure this will pass soon. You guys used to get angry and active and make a fuss all the time not too long ago, but once we gave you equal rights, you seemed quite happy to suffer through the hardships of your lives without much of a peep, and accepted that your failures were your own, instead of noticing that the insurance, economic, political, and education systems are kind of working against you, which certainly works for us.

Oh masses, we hope you understand where we’re coming from. And we do wish you the best of luck, since…there’s not much else you could hope for. Once you calm down, and accept once again that this is as good as it’s going to get, Please remember, that there is more to your lives than struggle and debt. There’s……sunshine, and weather and blankets. Even homeless people have those. Occasionally there’s even a nice park that is safe to walk through, but….just don’t spend too much time there. Live your lives as freely as you’re allowed to, and don’t forget that every dollar you spend, goes to somebody who really really wants it.

Take care of yourselves. So we don’t have to. Haha ;-)

Sincerely,

The 1%







p.s. Newt Gingrich says hi.

The Storm

The Storm I

10-19-10

"the things that can fall out of you in 20 minutes time..."


The Storm is like a beggar
It is like a crying child
The purest form of nectar
that makes humming birds go wild

The Storm is like an apple
being eaten by your eye
or beams of pure light dappled
by a single burning fly

It is a call unto your arms
and unto your heart of soul
It is a place of charmless charms
where rocks are always on the roll

It is a piece of every scruple
that can rot it from within
like when reason finds a loophole
in which new loops can begin

The Storm is music’s quietude
and of music’s great orgasm
The Storm is when you build a ship
to sail a timeless chasm

There’s no telling where it took you
Even though you’ve always been
It is where words dissolve in sound
to say “Fuck you” to the Pen

The Storm is friends with Loneliness
and neighbors with Depression
but the greatest love it’s ever had
is pregnant with Inception

There’s no birth without its blessing
nor a life it cannot fill
yet the Storm just waits there coolly
for more of us to do its will

Living and Dying (sonnet)

Living and Dying (VI)

? - 9-15-99

Living and dying one day at a time
Is a never ending path through progress.
Visions of perfection appear, regress
If doubted, and then reappear like rhyme
Nipping at a numb mind, until sublime
Grace falls in place and shows the flawlessness
All through space—evermore and never less.
Neglecting no longer one grain of time
Doubting the truths that have always been true.
Death is indeed a fateful certainty,
Yet it's no finality. Do not think
It is the end, for life is energy.
Nothing can change that: you will continue.
Godlike, it is the eye that does not blink.

Crystal Countenance

While I was writing the last post I thought about including one of my old pieces from HS. Just to give you an idea of how angsty and indignant I was back then (especially towards my peers), and how it came out in my writing. This is a pretty good example, one I still remember well. I guess you could say it's dedicated to everyone who's ever wasted my time with "social niceties" and/or subscribed to the idea that we're all supposed to act and think the same way. Which is pretty much the dominant point of view of any high school, right? Still, the extent of it was very disturbing to me and I thought for sure the movie Disturbing Behavior was based on true events. ;-)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Crystal Countenance

11-23 - 25-98

In all the great expectations
I am the unexpected
I don't want to be the norm
and I don't care if I'm accepted
Just see me for who I am
and make your decision
Would you rather see me as a person
or like an apparition
Not that I need to remind you
to place your judgments upon me
You people have been doing it for years
I wouldn't expect it any differently
I'm just getting really tired
of all the B.S.
The acting, empty "Hi"s,
and constant fake-ness
You people know I'm strange
You know I'm not like you
We live in different lights
We see in different hues
Get over it already
It's not a big deal
The ability to be unique
isn't strictly surreal
It is still possible
for a person to be original
tread a new path
or do somethin' else irrational
Just stop pretending
and acting like you care
You know you don't like knowing me
So forget that I'm there
Stop wasting my time
and for once in your life be true
You might as well look past me
'Cuz I already see through you

I Have Not Been Myself

I have not been myself. For a while now. I mean, I have been lately, but…that was a pretty recent development. Up until last year, I was not myself. At least not in the best sense of the word. I was something less than that. A watered down version of myself. “KJ .50”. For years. And I didn’t even know it. And the day I became aware of the extent of it was the day that that changed. 1 night, over a year ago. Blink. Boom. Reformed. I was not myself for nearly 10 years. My god that’s a long time. Such a shame, such a waste. Passing thru life like a ghost, only so alive. Only so happy to be alive. This was me. I was becoming “just another cog.” With little in the way of aspiration or ambition. And I was okay with that. Seemingly. There was one period of “greatness” in my life when I was younger. A time when I began to feel great, but also see signs of greatness (in some way) within me. It started in high school, when, for the first time in my life, life started to seem good. Even…nice sometimes. I think a lot of this had to do with the circle of friends I had found who gave me my first taste of true friendship. And, collectively, my first taste of unconditional love and “family” (at least as far as most people experience that word). I felt comforted and un-alone, and had people I could be myself around for the first time. Whoa, crazy. Along with that, my freshman year, I found my art. Which was big to me then, and exciting then and interesting then, but…I don’t think I realized what I had. Or that there was anything really special about it. And I don’t mind putting some of the blame for that on the people around me. There was a surprising lack of support from “adults” in my world. Family and teachers alike. It’s kind of weird to me now. It’s like nobody sees each other’s potential. It's like nobody wants anybody to do better than themselves. And on top of that, I assure you it was drilled into my head that there was no “future” in choosing to be a poet. I HAD to be practical. Fair enough. Wait…no it’s not. Regardless, I didn’t have to worry about that stuff til after I graduated, and by Junior year I was VIBING. Vibrating with life and ideas. I had so much energy and so much enthusiasm for everything I was doing. And I think part of that was having less stress in my life than ever before. I was beginning to feel peace. I was writing a poem every day sometimes. One day I had an idea and just decided to start my own writing club in the school! The only one of its kind. I had another idea and STAGED poems in cahoots with the drama department and won an award for “best director.” These were relatively small things that were big signs. Or should have been. I was a mover and a shaker and I could MAKE things HAPPEN. This was news to me. Everything was going fantastically. Well….aside from having to throw out the annual bucket of unrequited love, everything was going fantastically!

I had begun thinking big and dreaming big. I was beginning to see my potential. I was growing. A lot. Things were coming out of me that…had power to them. In them. And I felt like I had a responsibility to put these gifts to use, to not waste them. And I really thought I would, I really thought I’d see these dreams thru. How could I not? The signs were too clear. When ALL the signs say “Go THAT way,” what kind of idiot wouldn’t go THAT WAY? By the end of high school, life was good. Understand, in general, I hated my high school. The education was fine, and I was a pretty good student by then, but the people and the culture just sucked. You have no idea how long it took me to figure out that “People don’t suck, it’s just Phoenix!” But thankfully, by the end of it I had found maybe half a dozen people I really cared about AND (this was new!) genuinely seemed to care about ME. You have no idea how good that felt. It was in the fortress of their friendship that I felt safe enough to pull the pieces my self out and put them back together. I rebuilt myself under their watch. Thank you. I was feeling SO GOOD and so alive at the end of my senior year, that I had my first conscious and visceral experience of psychic phenomena!

After graduation, the school hosted an all night party, and we actually went. Because…that’s what all the cool kids did. Ha. At the end of the night (i.e. 5 in the morning), which was a truly wonderful night, we were all in the cafeteria for the last hurrah and a big raffle. The raffle was of course just a gimmick to get us to stay the whole night and not go out and kill ourselves stupid. I didn’t care about it, but everyone who came was like automatically entered in or something. And there were some badass prizes, so yeah, we were there. Sitting there around the lunch table, FOR THE LAST TIME. Lunch tables that some of us had NEVER even sat at before (we all ate outside, in a corner usually, like we were hiding from the fucking world. A lot of my friends were in Sci-fi club and had a penchant for black trench coats. Nuff said). There we were, Class of ’99, getting all sentimental and shit over our plastic cups of coke, and it happened. I was enjoyin the last hour of the party, talkin, listenin, laughin, whatever. Tired but alive. And there, in the midst of that, the strangest sensation came over me. Suddenly, my entire body….wanted to stand up. I had no idea what was going on, I just felt this push in my mind, telling me over and over to do something that I didn’t understand. I did Not want to suddenly stand up in the middle of the cafeteria for no reason at all! That was not something that I wanted to do, I valued my invisibleness. But some part of me was trying to tell me what to do in a language I was not familiar with. In the midst of that sensation, I heard my name. And then I heard it again. And it wasn’t just in my head, I knew that after the second time. And because people started to look at me. My name was being called, quite loudly. Over the speaker system. I was being called to the “stage.” I had won something in the raffle.

I immediately stood up. Thrilled to give in to this crazy impulsive urge. Even though I was still trying to process what was happening. “What.….just….happened?” I think I stood there for a second like, “What the fuck WAS THAT?” The fact that I won something was cool (and weird), BUT….something way bigger just took place in my little existence. The whole way up to the stage my head felt like it was in a dream. I was not there. This could not be happening.

Somehow….I knew this was going to happen several SECONDS before it happened. Some part of me knewwww. How is that possible?

Needless to say, that experience redefined the word “possibility.” My mind was reeling. What a message to receive. It’s one thing to believe, it’s a whole nother thing to know. From experience. Experience trumps faith, and always will. This was mine, this was just another door blown open. My mind used to be a cell, but now it’s full of skylights.

There are so many well-defined lines that can be blurred. That’s what that experience taught me, phenomenally, for whatever reason. And here’s the thing, I won three hundred dollars in plane ticket vouchers. Which is a pretty cool prize. BUT….I never used em. Just never used em. Just like that. It’s safe to say that…my life was pretty sheltered in certain ways. I would say this was a sign of that shelteredness. I had only flown in a plane like twice up to then, and it was by no means normal for me to “travel” on my own. Why am I putting that in quotes? I have no idea! I guess cuz that word was pretty foreign to me back then. It’s not that I didn’t have that kind of independence, I just didn’t have that kind of freedom.

My point is though…I Had That ONE OF A KIND EXPERIENCE over something that would lead to nothing. Wow. Do you see what that means? That didn’t happen because that trip was fated to be some huge turning point in my life that was echoing backwards into the present. It wasn’t. It never happened. I sensed the future about something completely insignificant. It happened because it happened. It happened because it’s POSSIBLE. Because I was ready for it to happen, because my mind happened to be in that perfect place that would allow for such a blur in the time continuum to occur. All within that tiny space that is my awareness. Lucky me. Still, what a thing to know.

:-P

But yeah, that’s how good my life WAS. And my state of mind. And my relationship to the abstract. It all climaxed when I was 18. My life was better than it had ever been before and that was largely due to the fact that my understanding of life was better than it had ever been before. I got it. And it’s worth noting that this culminated with the end of my search for God. I "found" him. All by my lonesome. I went from being a nonbeliever and an active skeptic to the opposite. I opened my mind to it, I searched, and God came in. It was all adding up. I could see it now. For the first time in my life, my life made sense.

This was good. This was all very good. But unfortunately my life on the outside, hadn’t changed as much as I had changed within. I was still the son of the same parents. I was still the brother of the same siblings. I was still living in the same vapid city. I was still a product of a failed system and all of its drama. My friends were the only consistent source of positive experience (that didn’t completely exist in my head). And ultimately, that was the problem. I had overcome a lot of adversity, but there were still some things I was just too scared to do. Like telling my family and the world around me what I believed I could do. With words, with poems, with lyrics. I couldn’t break out of that box. My family has always been my kryptonite, despite the best of intentions.

I did not have the wherewithal to see it thru, to see thru what I knew needed to be seen. And said. And heard. And shared. I failed. And I did it by choice. Which is quite a kicker. Still kicks me in the gut every now and then. The Alchemist went from being one of my favorite books to a source of guilt and shame. I betrayed myself, I stabbed my own life in the back. After everything that had ever been dumped on me, the one to break me was me. It sucked. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever done. Within a couple years, I could hardly call myself a writer. And it set me on a course that would take TEN YEARS to complete. One big loop, one big detour full of little detours. What a trip. Despite all I’ve ever learned, and all I’ve been given, I still gotta do things the slow way. Sucks.
For all those years, I was living, and encountering people and touching lives and being touched by lives and I wasn’t even myself! I was not being the best me I could be. I was not representing human existence as I knew it should be, full of verve and splendor. I was barely invested in the story of us. I was not appreciating what I had or what I was given. I was not in love with life. And I was okay with rarely feeling GREAT.
I almost feel like I should apologize to all those people I came to love or came to love me then for never showing them my best. I’m sorry. You all deserve better. I hope that you will open your minds to all that I really am. It only gets better. I promise. Unless you don’t really like me that much. Then.....it probably…..doesn’t.It’s a silly thing to dwell on, but if I do, it brings me down. What a shame. To go from such a high to such a lifeless medium. To go from being a catalyst of good and betterment to being a glimmer in the window of your own life. Silly.

But you know what, that’s what life does to us. It makes us less than ourselves. Kills us by degree. It’s the deaths we never see. Our inner child, our spirit, our innocence, our belief. It’s the deaths we never see that affect us the most.

But whatever, thank god for second chances. These things can be regrown, the abstract world is very plentiful. I’m back now. And I am truthfully better than ever. Positive energy is an amazing thing and can take you to great places IF you can harness it. And truly believing in yourself is like throwing off the chains of doubt and sprouting wings. I would suggest doing both, if you have something worth flying for.
My life right now is better than it has EVER been. And I think it’s worth noting that that is a pretty remarkable thing to be able to say. I am thankful for it. I have been more alive and more creative this past year than I have ever been before. And the quality of my work AND my life have risen to new heights. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: it’s a really exciting time to be me. And the opportunities on the horizon are absolutely TITILLATING. I would be jealous if I were you, but thankfully, I am me. ;-)

Occupy Their Minds

Welcome to the world of walls and streets,
where violence police come to silence drum beats
with all the support of politicians in charge
of a corrupt fat cow they milk, by and large.
And their central advice: “Buy MORE and enlarge,
whatever you have, never mind the surcharge!
Because bigger is better and more is never enough.
You should believe what we say, but please, don’t call our bluff.
We hate to disappoint and we’d hate to use force,
but rest assured we will keep this sinking ship on course.
We have no other ideas but to propagate this way
and if you don’t like it, it’s fine, but don’t voice your dismay
or if you do, then at least keep it out of downtown.
If you want we can show you how to Keep Your Voice DOWN.”

Welcome to the world where those in power
will do anything to postpone their final hour,
even betray the interests they’ve sworn to uphold.
They’re not interested in much that can’t be bought and sold.
Being bought and paid for is a time honored tradition,
anyone who says otherwise may get a taste of extradition.
Even peaceful people collecting thoughts in public parks
will be drug out of their tents and beaten in the dark
by the very people they trust to protect
their rights, their lives, but what do they expect
when those rights can be amended by the right blank check,
it’s just a matter of time before everything’s a wreck
and our government in NO WAY reflects our intellect!

Welcome to the world where disparity is inevitable
and kids can grow up thinking pizza’s a kind of vegetable.
You can’t hide from all the shames, like how Wikipedia
is clearly more trustworthy than our “independent” media.
Not much is more important than the sacred status quo
for all of those who made it and are rolling out the dough.
“You deserve all you can get,” they say, “especially if ya got it rough.
And if you get way less than most, well then that’s….just….tough.”
But the time has finally come when we are starting to question
why so many can make millions during a global recession.
While millions of homes were boarded up and shuttered
the upper crust enjoyed bonuses, paid with YOUR bread and butter!

Now that you know the truth, now you know this must change.
More than the USUAL reshuffle and rearrange.
We cannot have a government less interested in our votes
than it is in personal gain, control and stock quotes.
Occupy their minds. Make em jump at each new start.
Feel free to raise your voice, and keep a riot in your heart.
Walk the fine line between rebellion and release.
Remember they want complacency, but they’ll often call it peace.
Remember that the cops are but little black pawns.
The real enemy must be fought with our brains, not brawns.
Take care of each other, you have more than fists and feet,
and they’re scared enough already of our strange drum beat.
We just have to keep it steady, stand armed with common tools
and we’ll remind them that it IS the majority that rules!