How to Bleed

11-5-11

Write til your fingers hurt, instead of everything else.

when you have a voice…you have power
when you have personality…you have pull
when you have a pen and an hour
you can create your own tools
your own weapons
your own answers
your own beliefs
and rules
with one night and notepad
you can take yourself to school
get to know all about
how you think and why you do
you can ask yourself some questions
and see if you tell the truth
you can cry thru the ink
and even bleed a little too
…save yourself some scars
and maybe heal some old wounds
it’s a step, it’s a process,
like the cycles of the moon
but every day is a month
and every night a monsoon
you can try to fight the waters
or splash all way to doom
but the best thing you could learn
is how to float…
Like A Balloon

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As the waters come in
you gotta let the water out
whether it’s black or pristine
as a sky without a cloud
it’s gotta flow, you gotta know
that standin water’s not allowed
we’re not meant to be containers
bottled up without a mouth
it’s a scary sight to see
alla those that go that route
when knife attacks and shooting sprees
are how they finally choose to spout
about the amount of pain inside
that sounds like screams when said aloud
the darkness seeps into our dreams
and hides the light behind a shroud
crawlin on our hands and knees
in search of reasons to be proud
we think a peak is what we need
to reach to speak without a doubt
we lost our voice when we believed
we were alone inside this crowd
and now we huddle up like leaves
when leaves are nothing like ourselves

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The System is a B-I-T-

Hot off the press! This is somethin I started playin with in my head on the way home from seein that IN TIME movie. Really cool flick. But I didn't sit down and try to write anything til a couple hours ago. But I did it! Just somethin fun, but I like it, so I'll share.

I've been wanting to write a new rap. Been kinda lookin for a topic or just a good line I wanna rhyme and jump off of. But I haven't found one/thoughta one. Sometimes I literally get thirsty for a new rhyme. There's nothin quite like the feel of a homemade flow fresh on your lips. That day it all kinda came together, finally. The other main ingredient/source of inspiration was Lupe Fiasco, a pretty amazing musician/rapper/lyricist who's been raisin the bar for me in terms of content and quality. I just discovered him a few months ago and he just impresses the hell outta me, makes me miss writin raps.

So yeah, that's what this is. A rap, or at least mostly. It's about 3 parts rap, one part performance poem. So it's not straight up made for a beat or anything; just a mic and some ears. But yeah, it is meant to be read FAST. There's little punctuation cuz there's not really any stoppin, just a couple pauses in there and one or two breaths :). It is "metered," or at least it is how I read it, lol. Good luck with that, I have no idea what it would sound like if you read it out loud. I guess I should try that on one of my friends some time just to see. How much you would butcher it ;).

The other reason for this is cuz I've been wanting to share some poetry with you guys! It's been ages and it's not because I'm not writing. I'm writing quite a bit, but it's ALL performance stuff. And I'll never post that stuff in written form! :) Sorry. There's just no way I'm going to spoil those pieces for you, even if you have to wait years to hear em. So I intentionally made this one more for the page, but....I also don't think it's done. Think I'll probably add to it, a beginning and a whole nother verse on the end. But another day, this is good enough for now. Enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Whenever I look at the system I think there must be a glitch
most the world lives in a prison that was built by the rich
and the poor live with this mission as they stretch every stitch
to get up on that bridge instead of livin in this ditch
but da whole world’s like a game that is full of bait and switch
and I don’t know the system’s name but it really is a bitch
fulla pretty rocks that glisten and pleasures that make ya itch
fulla ears that never listen and eyes that look bewitched
or bewildered by the isms that make everybody twitch
capitalism….consumerism….commercialism, which
are the trains on which
everybody’s lives are hitched
you might think it idealism
you might even call it kitsch
but I do not see the wisdom
in so many superrich
faces buried in the bosoms
that ‘re inflated by a switch
…throwin out buffets
while people starve for a sandwich
half a world away
or in your city’s every niche
people sittin in soup kitchens
eatin up the CARTILAGE!

so ya wanna know what I thinka money
…and the poor vs the rich
yeah I would drop another HOUSE on that GREEN
WICKED WITCH!

All the Single Ladies BE DAMNED!

Not really, I just have a penchant for gratuitously dramatic titles...:)
All the Single Ladies - The Atlantic

I posted this article earlier today (no longer today, this has taken me a while to finish). A couple of you read it, some of you may have read part of it, or even thought about reading it. It’s a long one. It took me several chunks of time to get thru it (I’m easily distracted when I’m feeling creative and I like it like that). But get thru it I did, though I posted it (and started this) when I was probably halfway. I kept reading because I wanted to know her conclusion. Which I’m not going to cliff-note for you. Sorry. If you occasionally read long articles on the internet (like me), then I would encourage you to read it. If you never do, but this may directly relate to you, then I would definitely read it. Lots of good information in there. If there’s just no way you’re reading “all that,” then you might wanna just skim a couple paragraphs for the purpose of enjoying this blog more. If you’re even willing to read ALL That! *pointing down*

There’s a couple things I wanna say that I kinda wish she had said in the article. It would’ve been great. They’re points that I think are important to be made, and I don’t think I’m being....too radical with this line of thinking, so I’ll share em. Though I’m not sure where this is gonna go once I do....


At a couple different parts of the article she talks about the “dating pool,” and the “population of un-detestable men,” and how it’s shrinking, and yadda yadda yadda. That’s all logical, sensible and apparently supported by various statistics. But that is all flying over the main thing: you are trying to calculate the odds of something that is pretty much inevitable. VERY, very few of us “end up” “old and alone” with “no one to look after us!” And those that do probably have a good reason for it. Or are pretty screwy. Jus sayin. *Shrugs*

SO, why are you so worried about it!??? Chill the eff out. Enjoy life, this shit will probably take care of itself. *Sylvester Stallone voice* “It’s kinda what life does, you know...gets together.” I’m so happy that this whole age thing is becoming less and less of a big deal for you. Not fast enough, but still! Progress, yay! Don’t get caught up in society’s number games, assuming you’re not a reprehensible person, everything should be fine, well before “old age.” And assuming there is more to your life than the pursuit of love, then that should excite you. YAY, now you don’t have to worry about finding “Mr. Right” anymore OR “entrapping the man I want because he’s good enough and I don’t wanna play this game anymore!” Yay. Because if you really do want to find someone, odds are REALLY On your side. But I know some of you have been HAMMERED all your freaking lives to worry about this one thing more than anything else, so that’s like ALL you do if you’re not taking steps towards it. For godsakes. If you girls put as much effort into finding someone as you do in, say, stocks and bonds, then....the market woulda collapsed years ago! (Ooooooooh, BADA-Zing!) ;)

Insensitive as it may be to say, for the purpose being really clear (like I’m a scholar in this shit) let’s go ahead and admit that how much effort you “need” to put into this pursuit is (probably) inversely related to how attractive you are. On average. In the eye of any one group of people. That’s putting it pretty simply, but...just somethin to keep in mind. And not just talkin about looks! There are other things that make us “attractive” ya know. I would never put a LOT of effort into this, but if after being patient for a year or more, there’s no close encounters of the intimate kind, then you might wanna start thinking a little outside of your comfort zone, and make something happen. Maybe decrease the level of value you put on...model-like appearances, open your mind and have some faith in the powers that be. The internet is a wondrously potential place. But be honest, and be honest with yourself (see below paragraph entitled “Know yourself!”) and don’t get into Halflife. That shit scares me. It seems like virtual relationships could easily substitute face-to-face relationships without easily being as good for us. 50/50, at least!

Be patient though. Don’t be aggressive! Not because it’s scary/ “unbecoming!”/or slutty (like I care!), but because it’s UN-NECESSARY. If you can’t be on your own for two weeks then you’ve probably got a problem! Work on that. It MIGHT be good for you. In the long run. For like a THOUSAND different reasons.

I say that not so much for the girls who are promiscuous as men by choice—and for the love of things other than love (what did the chicken say? BGGOCK??)—, but for the ones who need male attention to breathe and/or are tired of break ups and falling in and out of lovvvvvve. If you really feel that way then ACT ACCORDINGLY. Realize that the universe or GOD or Shiva or Satan is not out to get you and ruin your life, and that LONELINESS is not cancerous. It can actually be eliminated by things other than attractive horny men. A new study just proved it. Swear to god. If you really are tired of it all and want the next one you fall in love with to be the last one, DO Things differently. Create a whole new plan of attack. Sprinkle a LITTLE bit of sense into it just for FUN! The universe will understand and will help you. God will understand and help you. Your vagina will understand but probably won’t help you. YOU GOTTA BE CLEAR ABOUT IT THOUGH! Make up your mind, put your foot down, decide what you want, form words, and Act Accordingly. If you enter a serious relationship and you’re not even sure about marriage then don’t be all broken up about it at the end when it doesn’t “end” in marriage! Things work a lot better if you do them—oh, I dunno—INTENTIONALLY.

I have one more point of contention with this “dating pool” and all the estimations of it, and this is probably my major point and the point is this: it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter HOW—MANY—FISH are in the sea. It doesn’t matter how many men are at the fuckin party. Cuz you’re not lookin for a dozen of em! We’re not talkin about day-laborers here for godsakes! We’re talking about THE person you are apparently going to spend the rest of your wife with. So, in other words, we are talking about one person. One. That’s it, that’s all there is to it. It doesn’t get any simpler than that. You are looking for one person. One person at the party. One person in the city. One person in the state. The country. The planet. Whatever. One, and then you’re done.

You do at least believe that there is somebody FOR everybody, right? I mean…you’ve seen reality TV right? Some of those people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them! And they’re fallin in love and getting married and doin all kinds of stupid shit. No problem. Cuz, in the end, it really doesn’t matter what kind of person you are, odds are still on your side, cuz there’s probably a few million people just like you. And then a bunch of stupid/crazy people on top of those. You really think that NONE of them could or will ever love you?? A tad melodramatic wouldn’t ya say?

...errr, somethin like that

If you believe in God or destiny or fate......then this should be easy for you. Act like it. If you don’t and you think that two people falling in love is just some sort of cosmic accident, well....then okay, those astronomical accidents still happen everyday...you should be able to at least rationalize yourself halfway there with what I’ve said so far. What you are looking for is that one person from which there is no defense, that is right for you on every level that matters to you. When you feel that way and that person feels the same way, and there isn’t a toxic mess lurking underneath…then you might be on to something!

It reminds me of a childhood movie/cartoon, I can’t remember what it is or what it’s called, but this one scene always stuck in my head. Not sure why. But in this scene the knights are battling a dragon, and this dragon is unstoppable, but the “hero” knows that this beast has one weak spot, One Tiny Weakness, a chink in its scaly armor. If he can hit that one spot with an arrow, it’ll pierce the monster’s heart and save the day. An enormous dragon, flying around, blowing fire, killing everybody, and all this guy has to do is shoot a wooden arrow into a one meter space from a hundred meters away. Using—his—“sense.” I think he might have even closed his eyes! What we are talking about is basically impossible. Yet he does it! Because he is the hero and that’s what heroes do, the impossible. And this is pretty much what dating is like. Odd of a visual as (I now realize) that may be. Everyday the impossible happens.

Basically, your heart is like the Death Star. You just gotta find your Skywalker to blow it up!
"Awwwwwwwwwwwwww" Gotta ♥ nerdlove.

Everyday people fall in love with the person they will someday marry. Everyday people also fall in love with someone they won’t be speaking to in three months, but let’s focus on the positive. Just like that, IN LOVE, with that ONE person, out of 7 billion, or however many people are in your city. It seems impossible and yet it happens all the time. If that kind of love wasn’t so rare then it wouldn’t be so special. So fair enough! But don’t let the fact that it’s rare or “hard to find” turn you into paranoid, one-track minded, down-on-yourself freaks! Because scarcity has nothing to do with you! I guarantee if you focused on making yourself the best, most beautiful person you could be (nevermind physically!), love would FIND YOU. In no time at all. Cuz time wouldn’t matter. Cuz you’d be happy with life and most importantly Your life. And you’d have other things to do than….guys.

If you faithfully believe or logically conclude that there must be a man out there who’s just right for you thennnnnnnnnnnn “Dating pool??” whatthefuckareyoutalkingabout!!? Having a MILLION choices is not going to help you get there faster! Be patient for Christ sakes! You only need ONE!

Think about how you think about these things. Eliminate unnecessary points of view, streamline your line of thinking so there is less distraction, less doubt and less fear, and continue on your merry way.

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Everything after this is just…chunks of writing that came flying out while I was working on the above. This wasn’t a LINEAR process at all, which is part of why it took so long to finish. But yeah, I wasn’t really trying to control it, or shape it (and usually don’t), but in the end, with everything that came out, it would be hard to tie this all together into one flowing piece. And I don’t think it’s necessary. It’s just a blog, it’s just for fun. And it’s already taken longer than I wanted it to. If you wanna read on, you can, they’re pretty much just rants, and they’re probably pretty insulting, but...if they seem “off-topic or...uncalled for, that’s probably because they are. Dating advice from KJ INK...why not!


Here’s another thing that’s worth addressing: men and women with issues who engage in long relationships that don’t go anywhere and are constantly fighting the same battles. Why? Because they keep trying to tackle SYMPTOMS of their bullshit instead of digging deeper and getting to the source. We do this all the freaking time, bugs the hell out of me. Never mind the symptoms! Address the source. Yes you’re very insecure, going out of my way to make you feel special everyday MIGHT Help with that, but it is in no way a long term solution to something that should be seen as bit of a handicap. It is NOT good for you to feel so empty, without THIS or THAT. Become aware of that, it’s not something to be ashamed of. After all, WE ALL Have problems! :-P

Ugh.

Really, we need to start putting time limits on things. But very generous time limits cuz some people don’t respond well to pressure. Cuz they’re fucked in the head. I would say a year and a half is long enough! That’s enough time. Enough time to figure it out, to have SOME CLUE as to what the hell you two are gonna do. That’s all I’m sayin, some clue, nobody needs to be proposing or anything. But a year and a half in you two should be talking OPENLY about this shit, you know, ASSESSING the SITUATION, checkin the pressure on the ol’ love gauge. Why not? You should know each other by then and have some sense as to HOW MUCH you love that person. And a year and a half isn’t too long that you can’t still see the shores of what it’s like to be independent. So you won’t be so freaking scared of it, as some of you seem to be.

I know talking about the future and marriage isn’t an issue for some people but for a lot it is. And I feel for these girls who are in like 4 year relationships and the guy isn’t even sure what he wants to do!? Flippin AYE, cut him lose! It’s silly. If it’s not understood after a couple years that you are getting married someday, I....I wouldn’t bother anymore. LOL. Is that too harsh?? Is that mean? I don’t think so. Life’s too short, and I hate it when people cling to "doomed" relationships out of fear, or have REGRETS, and that’s a terrible complaint to have and a terrible way to feel when you feel like you just wasted all that time on somebody. Wouldn’t wish that on anybody.

But really, why are you trying to force it? And we do! We do this all the time, try and force our love, our will on the one we love even though they don’t love us as much, like we’re trying to wear them down. “I love you, so you WILL love me just as much if I just keep dumping love into you. You will. Just wait here.” Five years later, “OHH MY GAWWWD, I CANT BELIEVE HE/SHE JUST LEFT ME LIKE THAT, AFTER ALL IVE DONE,” yeah yeah yeah. I get it. If you would quit trying to settle for something that is less than mind/heart/soul-blowingly amazing, this wouldn’t keep happening to you. Call me crazy, but that’s what I think.


Some of you women though, and the guys you take on...I don’t know what you’re thinkin. I mean, I do, but I don’t. Relationships do Not HAVE to be this enormous challenge! Really, they don’t. And women who haven’t developed any passions or hobbies of their own in life (not revolving around their sexual orientation), often look for men who ARE projects. Which is fine. Unless you don’t realize you are doing that! Then it’s probably just annoying. To both of you. There are relationships out there though, that (when compared to yours) would seem amazingly easy. WHY?, you might ask. HOW CAN THAT BE? Is it because they’ve always been so good and that’s why Santa Claus brings them the best presents!? No. It’s probably just because those two people were better suited for each other. Not much of a big secret or mystery there. They just…match well. They’re friends, they believe and care about similar things and aren’t just fuckbuddies who see each other five times a week. OH, and they probably have less issues, i.e. know themselves well, can be honest with each other... That helps.

Bottom line though: If you didn’t date terrible men for so long and so often...THERE WOULDN’T BE SO MANY TERRIBLE MEN! They would be FORCED to change, to clean up their “act.” To—OH, dare I say it—Grow Up. Become more Well Rounded Individuals. All the jerks and douche bags and dickheads (I’m not gonna put idiots on the list cuz, ehh, you know, some people can’t help it) would either start killing each other (for lack of anything better to do) and possibly other people (:(), or they would get a clue. And change. At least that’s what I would like to think.

(this is true on the inside too)

Oh and I KNOW THEY HAVE “GOOD HEARTS!!” WAA-Waaaaaa. They’re assholes. As soon as you see that it needs to be ADDRESSED as a serious problem. Or you need to leave. If you tolerate it, you condone it....at the expense of society and those closest to you. Yeah, I know, nobody’s perfect, we all have problems, everybody’s family is dysfunctional, blah blah blah. QUIT—whitewashing—serious—problems! Nobody’s perfect, but some people have actual, medically diagnosable issues. We all have problems but some of us have A LOT more. Every family is dysfunctional, but some families are WAY FUCKING WORSE off than one with parents who JUST work too much! I am tired of that shit! Every time somebody comes back at me with that, I’m like 0_o? Like all of a sudden we’re competing for credit in battle scars, just cuz I mentioned that my family has problems?? Oh, I’m sorry, did I just make you feel insecure that your life might not be as bad as mine!? Oh shoot! Are you concerned I might be unfairly blaming some aspect of my life on my unfortunate upbringing and not be taking responsibility for myself? Awwwww, aren’t you sweet. This is my story. Shuddup and listen, jesus!

Seriously, all that makes me think every time somebody feeds me one of those lines like I NEVER GOT THE MEMO that most people have some kind of problems is 1: you must have a very limited imagination, OR 2: your story must be HORRENDOUS. As well. Otherwise, why are you interrupting me!? I wouldn’t be saying this if I didn’t have damn good reason to!

K, that was....A TANGENT. Getting back to it!

Quit whitewashing serious problems. I’m tired of that too. It scares me every time I hear that when it could be a serious matter. This ACCEPTANCE of our damage, not of our “natural” flaws and imperfections, but of our DAMAGE that turns into destructive/counterproductive behaviors amazes me. It does. How we just go on for years and years like it’s okay that I’ve never said I love you to another human being, or...it’s just fine that I haven’t spent more than a few weeks out of a relationship since puberty. No problemo. I’m terrified of commitment! That’s all right. I’ve never cried a day in my life! Sounds GREAT. I get angry and verbally and physically abuse my family when my team loses! HaHA, Don’t We ALLL?

What is this crap? How can we not see that there is something amiss there? Something…off balance, which may be making our ship list on our way to (Koh) “True Love.” DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Like….the OPPOSITE of what you were doing before, which was probably nothing. Read a book. Spend some time alone. Talk about it. Write it down. Find SOME balance! I would say “google it” but I’m worried about all you hypochondriacs out there. Still, you might learn somethin. And if it seems pretty serious, like you’re havin trouble changing it, feel free to seek a professional or unbiased opinion. I’m SORRY that therapy still has a stigma on it, I wish it didn’t, I DO! I know it’s better than before but it’s not becoming acceptable/accessible fast enough. Seriously, if it were up to me, I would build an annex on every McDonald’s and open one up! A desk, a chair and a couch, what more do you need?! Take a number, enjoy your fries while you wait! Therapy really is like.....ONE OF THE BEST THINGS EVER! “WAIT, you mean there’s a way for us fucked up people to, you know, UN-fuck ourselves?? Sign Me Up!” The best part about damage is it can be mostly repaired or removed. And once that does happen you get these things called “wizdom points!” And if you get enough wizdom points, you become a Wizard or something...I’m told. Sounds pretty cool. Think about it.

That’s all I’m really trying to say, just....think about it.


Temet Nosce

You know what, Ladies? Listen to this. This might sound crazy, but I THINK....the better you know yourself, the less time it would take to know if someone was perfect for you.

:-O

O.O

I know! Me Too! What a crazy way of doing things. It’s almost like it’s backwards, even though IT ISNT BACKWARDS AT ALL!

Know yourself. Please, know yourself. Work out your daddy issues, or at LEAST become aware of them. Realize that IF you’ve been abused at any young age, you probably have issues that are causing you to behave and react in ways you normally wouldn’t. Seek help. And don’t be offended when I suggest that. I’m not looking down on you, I’m just telling you...what I did. It’s hard to look down on somebody when you’ve been there. And I don’t care if it’s a shrink or just a good listener who occasionally says something that’s not stupid. Get it out there in the open and work on it. It’s not a shameful thing at all. It’s a public service. This world is fucked up, and fucked up people do fucked up things. But you do NOT have to become one of em! We got enough destructive zombies self-destructively roaming the planet. Take a long look in the mirror or in the eyes of someone who can help. OUTSIDE of love.


Eros Agape Philia Storge! (no, that’s not a spell from Harry Potter. Sorry to disappoint)


I wish modern language had more words for love than the word love. And before you jump to rattle off a few words that are similar, nope! I know what I’m talking about. Love is the only word pointing to what it points at that cannot be immediately turned around and seen in a negative/unsatisfactory/not good enough light by someone else. For example: fuckbuddy love. Lots of people would just think that that’s not a great kind of love to have, which would eventually make the person who has it dis-appreciate it too. Sad story, I’m sure. All right, bad example, but you would totally get what I’m saying when I point out how “plutonic love” seems to become worthless when “True Love” is attained. For some people.

And it’s UNDERSTANDABLE. Look at how we’ve been programmed. That is the fucking ULTIMATE GOAL. Whether we like to admit it or not, that is how we behave. Everything else in life PALES in comparison to the pursuit of romance and procreation. So, when we think that way, it’s no wonder we have so many issues with loving anything but ourselves and our most immediate surroundings. See love, feel love. Don’t see love, don’t feel love. That’s how it is for a lot of us. Sadly true. And because we have only one concept of GREAT love to “achieve,” various other levels of life (with love) are ignored or undervalued. But clearly there are other types of love, that are good on all sides, and valuable, and enjoyable and worth keeping! Like the love of your family. Like the love of your closest friends. Like the love of your God. Like the love of your work or art. Like the love of your lover versus the love of your (future) spouse. It’s ALL love but it’s all markedly different. Clearly, right? Yet we keep using the same word, IF IFFF we use the word at all, and that’s probably not a good thing. I believe our understanding of love has been limited by our ability to verbally differentiate between the different types of love. And if our understanding of something is limited, our ability to experience it is limited as well. Crippled even. Like tryin to squeeze a funnel cake through a funnel.

STOPIN? What the fuck is that?!

The ancient Greeks had a much better way of dealing with this. And by dealing with this, I mean, they didn’t have to deal with this because they had more than one word for love.
4 in fact. Each one valued and respected and appreciated, but slightly different. Allowing people to express different types of love, without the person receiving it feeling slighted or insecure. Allowing someone to literally tell a friend, WITH FEELING, that she loves him, without worrying about her husband getting jealous or betraying him in some way by using the SAME WORD. Because she wouldn’t be! Different, INDIVIDUAL words for different kinds of BEAUTIFUL worthwhile Wonderful love. What a system. I think we would really benefit from something like that. Suddenly it would seem like we have so much more love in our lives, and, ironically, that would be true.

Just to be able to express love more and see more things as love, would make it so that there is more love, even though it was all there before. A rock on the road that you don’t see, has less power than the rock in the road that you do. Even if you’re not going to hit it, it could cause you to swerve and cause a wreck inadvertently. Yet, if you didn’t see it AND didn’t hit it, then it may as well not even exist. That is the power of its presence, visually! As soon as you see it, identify it, “Rock,” it has presence! You do not have to wait for it to blow your tire open. Until something has presence, it cannot have an effect.

The more we see love and speak love, the more we’ll feel love and be love.
That Sounds good to me.

At this point I’m just another man telling women what to do….Right?

That article spearheaded all of this, for sure. But then once I started writing, a dozen conversations I’ve had in the past few months with various females and close friends just started to spool together. And I’ve done a pretty good job of being supportive, while tryin to squeeze in a little sense here and there but...it’s not easy. The latter part that is. Human beings (not just women) are not easy to talk to sensibly about things they are emotional about. Plus, unless it’s a really destructive situation, they’re probably just better off figuring their own way out of it. Experience is the greatest teacher. At least when it’s not being the harshest.

My point is, some of you who read this may have noticed a connection to a recent conversation we’ve had, please don’t think this was anything personal. I’ve had a lot of conversations like that all my life, there’s just been more than usual lately. You were more like the inspiration, the spark, the match. My whole life is the fodder. I didn’t think of any of you more than I did my past or past relationships with women. I’m just trying to put all of it together in hopes of squeezing some highly concentrated juice out of it. For SOMEONE’s benefit. If not your own.

I would love to be able to tell you that throughout this I’ve been trying to walk the fine-line between being condescending and being sensible, but really I feel like I’ve just been trampling on both sides, fairly evenly I hope. This is why I have to tell people I’m an asshole. Cuz there comes times when I can’t tolerate whatever anymore and I have to say what I really think. Regardless of….whatever the fuck you think. Not that every word should be taken literally, I am trying to have fun with it and make it an interesting read, but I’m just not going to limit how I express my thoughts because you might not like to hear them.


Plus, when I embrace my assholish side, and channel that voice, it makes the writing process a lot more fun and...gives me a chance to flex and fart and scratch myself all at the same time. How nice, uh? Of course, I meant all of those metaphorically, cuz...I’m such a cool writer like that. *rolls eyes*

I guess if I wanted to be truly fair I’d have to follow this post up with one about men but....I don’t care. Really, I mean, what would be the point, or the challenge? It’d probably be like a paragraph long. And sound something like: “Don’t rape anybody. Don’t assert your will over another person, it’s terrible. Try to talk about women in a way that wouldn’t disgust your mother or progressively liberal sister. It’s a little weird to talk about any group of people with that much vulgarity. Be honest, or become a slightly better person so that you can be honest. Enough white lies put together is just as poisonous as one big lie. And being a good person actually feels really good. It does, give it a try. Value other things in a relationship as much as you value blowjobs and sex. (Yes, using the words “more than” would’ve been asking too much) Grow a heart.....admit that you care...show your…you know, those things, whatever they’re called....feelings or emotions or whatever. It’d be good. And be patient. Which is important because patience will keep you from being “creepy” and from becoming one of those guys in clubs who just grab at girls as they walk by. Which is just stupid and creepy. There really is a scent of desperation. And the only time women seem to ignore this (or somehow find this flattering) is when they’re desperate, intoxicated, Or the guy is really “cute.” Otherwise, BE Cool. And if you have real issues then talk to somebody about it or....read Fight Club. But don’t read Catcher in the Rye. Or Heart of Darkness. Or American Psycho. Please. Oh, and don’t rape anybody. Thank you.”

There. Done. That pretty much says it. The main difference being that one of these lines could take a lifetime for a man to master. And often do. While being more emotionally complex, women are also more apt and able to adapt, to the environment or needs. If you don’t believe me, see something called “survival of the fittest.” Men have always been kinda losin that one. Hmmm, I wonder why.

|

Waiting

Down the high traffic hall of university,
a heedless payphone rings
like a prisoner whistling in formation.

I know no one will answer it,
though it may have a calling
for each and any one of us.

Instead it rings on as if to say, “hey,
can you spare a some cents” to the pockets
who pass by, or, if feeling introspective,

“Change is the chisel with which we chase freedom.”

Right now nowhere near the city,
near signs that tell her not to pick up
hitchhikers, my mother is looking at Plexiglas

images of my brother as he looks back. Both
with big black receivers holding up their crack-of-dawn
heads, wearing happy-to-see-you smiles.

The phone—a sort of dysfunctional umbilical cord,

though the glass is so distorted
it is unclear who is being fed
this intravenous form of comfort.

A yard of pale linoleum separates the two
but what they hear sounds like it has been bounced
off several satellites

and their ears are chasing words
through an asteroid field of static.
This is a Friday—well spent.

When time is up, they part.
Maybe there’s a movie shot of empty phones
held to overflowing hearts,

of hands pretending to touch,
but they part, both in shackles.
His are made of arrogance, chain-links, and time.

Hers are made of his. Hers are made
of four hour drives every week in the desert;
of old age and forgetfulness;

of a handicap insignia
that hangs from her rearview mirror,
whenever she remembers to bring it.

Hers are made of waiting.

As he lines up with the other orange cell-mates
of self-defeat, ready to take on day number
nine hundred, forty…whatever, with clenched fists,

I want to believe I can hear his soul scream
like a stranded, roadside payphone
wringing the world for an answer.

Things I Learned in the Shower

So our common understanding of the mind and what it is and its relationship to the brain and our consciousness is totally fucked. If you didn’t know that, you know it now. I came to this understanding last year, what I figured out kinda blew my mind. You may not understand what I’m talking about, and I’m not really gonna explain THAT, but you basically just need to know that WE do NOT understand WHAT the mind IS. And because of that our use of it is totally handicapped. Aka fucked. Particularly because of our consciousness. And I think I’m about to shed some light on that. Thanks, in part, to a 40 minute shower.

The mind is like a ball. The mind is like a steel ball spinning inside another steel ball. Spinning freely. At times. Now regardless of whether you are dumb or smart, the mind is awesome. It’s awesomeness really doesn’t have much to do with intelligence. It is mostly effected by awareness. Awareness allows us to use the mind like a tool. And the more awareness we have, the more dexterous we are with that tool. But never mind that, let’s get back to the mind being awesome. When the mind is most awesome is when it is most free. It can do amazing things. Many a world changing idea came from a very free mind. A ball spinning and spinning to its heart’s desire. But what is it spinning in?

The mind is spinning inside our consciousness. I’m not equating consciousness with awareness but they do relate. The mind is spinning inside our consciousness and our consciousness is more of a part of us than the mind is. The consciousness is more personal. You could almost think of it as…the consciousness is an extension of us and the mind is an extension of EVERYTHING in our awareness, and it all meets in our head. We think or act like it’s all trapped in there, mixed up, and it’s all 100% our own, but it’s not. It’s very layered, and when we talk about awareness, we’re essentially talking about how many of those layers you are conscious of and then can even control or influence. With your very own consciousness. 
 

Your consciousness has a lot of affect on “your” mind. So much pull. So much weight. Sometimes that’s a good thing. A lot of times it is not. The mind is a ball spinning around inside your consciousness. And when you let the ball spin freely, amazing things can happen. The problem is we rarely do that. 
 

If you let your mind wander, it is like a wanderer taking a walk down a wondering path. A nice, evening, evening stroll. The minute you become aware (self-conscious) of what your mind is “thinking,” it is like flipping on a spotlight on that thoughtful, walking pedestrian. What do you think is going to happen? This is where we’re fucked. Cuz it varies so much from person to person. Depending on all the factors that made you who you are.

For some of us, when that spotlight goes on, the wanderer stops wandering. Naturally. “Wtf is this big light?” When that happens, depending on so many things, the thought (wanderer) will either resume or be stopped all together for ANY NUMBER OF REASONS. And then even if the thought does continue, it may NOT continue as freely as it was before. If that spotlight is still brightly on it, then it may continue very cautiously/slowly. Again, “Wtf?” If the light dims, the wandering thought may continue on its merry way like nothing ever happened. THAT is VERY ideal.

Because, the thing is, when we let these wandering thoughts wander without interference, they can go and Take US to some interesting places. Some places such as newfound knowledge. Some places such as greater awareness of any number of things. Or people. Some places such as INSPIRATION. Some places such as a completely new idea. Or perspective. These are REALLY good places. Places we all should go to much more often on our own two feet. But we don’t. And the reason we don’t? Our consciousness. More specifically, our self-consciousness.

When the mind is spinning in your brain, spinning like a ball inside another ball, and it starts rolling around one particular track of thought, it starts off slowly. The longer it is allowed to go on uninhibited, the more speed it picks up: speed usually leads to awesomeness. Speed leads to the wanderer walking down the wondering path quicker, which is better because he might find something fantastic at the end of the road. A veritable pot of gold. But that doesn’t usually happen because the spotlight goes on. But in the “the mind is a ball inside a ball” analogy, it’s more like the consciousness (outer ball) acts like a magnet whenever you become self-conscious, stopping or interrupting that rolling thought in its circular tracks. (Yes I’m using two analogies that parallel on the same thing, in order to highlight different aspects of it visually. Hopefully you can see that. The mind itself is like a ball inside a ball. The thought itself is like a wanderer that the ball is…conjuring I guess.)

Now, when that outer ball (the consciousness) becomes aware of what is going on inside of it, it USUALLY affects the flow of the mind in some way. Sometimes a lot, sometimes a little, it really depends on the person AND what that thought is. It’s just like the characters on REAL WORLD. Yes we’re supposed to believe that this is how those people would behave “naturally” if there weren’t cameras on them. But most likely they are being affected consciously or subconsciously, for better or worse by the cameras' presence, by that new layer of consciousness. How much depends entirely on that person AND how much that new presence is Felt by them.
 

It’s the same exact thing with that rolling ball when your fears, doubts, insecurities, skepticisms, issues, biases, inhibitions, and built in defense system come On-Line. “Self-consciousness___ARMED.” Odds are one of those things is going to impede the flow of thought in some way. One minute the ball is spinning an interesting hypothetical tale inside what you call your mind, the next minute you’re like “wait, why am I thinking that?” And boom, the thought gets derailed. It happens a hundred times a day to each of us, and maybe you didn’t know it before, but know now that it’s a small tragedy. We need to let our thoughts go. WHEN THEYRE POSITIVE. We need to Let them go on, even if they seem silly, let them go. Let them go on if they’re positive in anyway. Or at least if they’re not hurting anybody! This is a huge part of creativity.

It is also a huge part of self-awareness. Among a dozen other things. Stop interrupting your own thoughts! Free your mind! But not in any fuckin philosophical way! Just let it be free to do it’s own fucking thing and wander around a little bit! Geeez!

We have lost this as a skill! We have lost this as a valuable commodity for ALL of us. The ability to let our mind do its own thing just for a few minutes at a time. Really!! It doesn’t need to be much longer than that. You can cover a lot of ground in thought in a few minutes. I think most trains of thought don’t survive longer than a minute and half before they get blasted off the tracks. Sadly, on average, I think the negative ones live longer, are allowed to spin around and around, over and over and over again, unchecked and get repeated a lot more. The more true this is for you, the more fucked you are. No doubt.

The end.

That’s the point of all this. I just wanted to tell you what I thought but also put that visual in your head. Because, in case you don’t know, when you are able to visualize something abstract, it gives you the power to manipulate it more easily. Or be more aware of it. And possibly change it.

Be aware of what’s going on in your heads friends. One of my favorite words, METACOGNITION: thinking about thinking. I know it can be confusing at first, I know it can seem like stop and go driving, every time you stop and think about what you were just thinking and then think about whether or not you are ABLE to let that ball roll on its merry little way, but the stop and go driving is already happening! It’s already happening, all the time, but if you can become aware of it, eventually you’ll be able to control it quite easily and once you’ve controlled it for long enough…you won’t have to control it any more. You can let go. It’ll become second nature. Which was probably first nature, but your first nature got fucked up by…abusive parents, poor self-image, emotional neglect, whatever! So now you know, and that’s how you go in and retrain your mind. Roll on.

Rolllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll onnn.

Right now I am thinking that huge differences in our individual personalities may be directly related to how long we let our thoughts drift on their own, on average. In other words, I may be so different/creative compared to some people simply because I let my thoughts wander farther out away from me, i.e. more often and for longer periods of time. Or more “effectively.” Hmmm! That all just came to me. I’m gonna have to think about that one myself. Wouldn’t that be interesting though? Cuz that could almost be tested. If you taught people this SKILL, you could observe the difference it made on their behavior and lives. What if what we call daydreaming is the cure for all creative blockage?

Hmph.

Regardless, give your self permission to “daydream,” to wonder, to imagine, to say “what if?” to think aimlessly for extended periods of time, to remember, and I guarantee you’ll enjoy where it takes you much more often than not.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All right. Now Here’s a bonus DROP of a deep thought. I don’t really need to throw this in, but….it fits, and I’m curious to hear what people might think, and I’m thrilled to have accidentally written up something that can serve as the foundation for this one THOUGHT. This I already knew. This I realized late last year. It’s something I’ve never heard or read anywhere. I was just thinking and thinking and thinking and I figured this out/stumbled upon it and it pretty much blew me away. And I’ve yet to commit it to writing. I believe what I am about to say to be true, not because of any kind of fanciful theory combined with faith, but because reason and deduction from personal experiences dictates it to be true. If I were writing a piece on this alone, I would probably explain it a little differently, put it in a slightly different context/analogy, but it connects enough to everything above that I think I can drop it on ya and you’ll understand what I mean. Hopefully.

What I have been describing for a couple pages now: that ball spinning around freely inside your head; letting the mind do what it does, which is not very mental, because it is not thinking, it is more like flowing. Letting your "thoughts" flow. This ability is huge. And could easily change your life over night. I’m sure it does everyday somewhere in the world. This ability is an art. But it is not just an art, as far as

I can tell, it is THE Art.

It is the only art. The original art.

The art through which everything we call art comes to be. Our consciousness, our unique personality is the filter/the lens/the “mind” through which THE Art comes into our world.

Basically there is only one art and everything we call art is just us channeling The Art into reality. EVERY OTHER ART is just an offshoot, shooting out of our patchwork life. And we are the instruments, life is the canvas. We have Sooooo many different kinds and variations of art because each of us is a completely unique composition of experiences. When we pull The Art through that composition of experiences, it comes out different looking every time. Just as one clown might pull a bouquet of daisies from his sleeve and another will pull out a dead bird. But what we are all doing, at the very beginning, when we first had the idea to put something up our sleeves, is the same. We are tapping into, or allowing the same thing to take place up in our heads, whatever you want to call it. It only becomes different because we are different. And the more different we are, the more original the art is when it is manifested into our silly, self-important world.

 

The Rewired Receiver

4-7-03

                                                                            Imagine what
                                                   the perfect consumer
                                                   would be like:
                                                   mindless and rich
                                                   in
                                                   debt
 

I have been killed by commercials

I have let the speaker
suck my skull in like a plunger and
twist the vice of small-minded ideas
on my head one too many times

My life has been inundated
with millions of wasteful waves
that translate well within the ear
without the eye
and kill the brain

in an overdose that climaxes
with a seizure
and leaves me foaming at the mouth
with slogans and jingles

I have been taught so well
to listen accept and do
as if all words were gospel
and questioning is the
work of the devil

I have bought into it all
like a born-again Christian

THE STOVE IS HOT

I BELIEVE YOU

TELL ME MORE
 

Estranged

You spoke of sore spots
You told burnt up dreams
that fester like skin cancer
or look like you have been
injecting the carcinogens
of lit cigarettes
straight into your arms
unsuccessfully

The smell of singed flesh
makes your skin crawl
but it is the incense
of your life insisting
its strange beauty upon you
like your incestuous father

This was the point
where you looked in the mirror—
picking the black flowers blooming
across the lowland of your body—
and evaluated your worth
one shortcoming at a time

And you wondered
what dreams are really made of
—their beauty is lost on you—
but you do not feel alone
in this wanton despair

“For most people,”—you sell yourself—
“it’s dreaming you are Hercules
with a boulder lifted over your head
when you are just another bug—
another mite—living under a rock…

that’s crushing you.”