I Have Not Been Myself

I have not been myself. For a while now. I mean, I have been lately, but…that was a pretty recent development. Up until last year, I was not myself. At least not in the best sense of the word. I was something less than that. A watered down version of myself. “KJ .50”. For years. And I didn’t even know it. And the day I became aware of the extent of it was the day that that changed. 1 night, over a year ago. Blink. Boom. Reformed. I was not myself for nearly 10 years. My god that’s a long time. Such a shame, such a waste. Passing thru life like a ghost, only so alive. Only so happy to be alive. This was me. I was becoming “just another cog.” With little in the way of aspiration or ambition. And I was okay with that. Seemingly. There was one period of “greatness” in my life when I was younger. A time when I began to feel great, but also see signs of greatness (in some way) within me. It started in high school, when, for the first time in my life, life started to seem good. Even…nice sometimes. I think a lot of this had to do with the circle of friends I had found who gave me my first taste of true friendship. And, collectively, my first taste of unconditional love and “family” (at least as far as most people experience that word). I felt comforted and un-alone, and had people I could be myself around for the first time. Whoa, crazy. Along with that, my freshman year, I found my art. Which was big to me then, and exciting then and interesting then, but…I don’t think I realized what I had. Or that there was anything really special about it. And I don’t mind putting some of the blame for that on the people around me. There was a surprising lack of support from “adults” in my world. Family and teachers alike. It’s kind of weird to me now. It’s like nobody sees each other’s potential. It's like nobody wants anybody to do better than themselves. And on top of that, I assure you it was drilled into my head that there was no “future” in choosing to be a poet. I HAD to be practical. Fair enough. Wait…no it’s not. Regardless, I didn’t have to worry about that stuff til after I graduated, and by Junior year I was VIBING. Vibrating with life and ideas. I had so much energy and so much enthusiasm for everything I was doing. And I think part of that was having less stress in my life than ever before. I was beginning to feel peace. I was writing a poem every day sometimes. One day I had an idea and just decided to start my own writing club in the school! The only one of its kind. I had another idea and STAGED poems in cahoots with the drama department and won an award for “best director.” These were relatively small things that were big signs. Or should have been. I was a mover and a shaker and I could MAKE things HAPPEN. This was news to me. Everything was going fantastically. Well….aside from having to throw out the annual bucket of unrequited love, everything was going fantastically!

I had begun thinking big and dreaming big. I was beginning to see my potential. I was growing. A lot. Things were coming out of me that…had power to them. In them. And I felt like I had a responsibility to put these gifts to use, to not waste them. And I really thought I would, I really thought I’d see these dreams thru. How could I not? The signs were too clear. When ALL the signs say “Go THAT way,” what kind of idiot wouldn’t go THAT WAY? By the end of high school, life was good. Understand, in general, I hated my high school. The education was fine, and I was a pretty good student by then, but the people and the culture just sucked. You have no idea how long it took me to figure out that “People don’t suck, it’s just Phoenix!” But thankfully, by the end of it I had found maybe half a dozen people I really cared about AND (this was new!) genuinely seemed to care about ME. You have no idea how good that felt. It was in the fortress of their friendship that I felt safe enough to pull the pieces my self out and put them back together. I rebuilt myself under their watch. Thank you. I was feeling SO GOOD and so alive at the end of my senior year, that I had my first conscious and visceral experience of psychic phenomena!

After graduation, the school hosted an all night party, and we actually went. Because…that’s what all the cool kids did. Ha. At the end of the night (i.e. 5 in the morning), which was a truly wonderful night, we were all in the cafeteria for the last hurrah and a big raffle. The raffle was of course just a gimmick to get us to stay the whole night and not go out and kill ourselves stupid. I didn’t care about it, but everyone who came was like automatically entered in or something. And there were some badass prizes, so yeah, we were there. Sitting there around the lunch table, FOR THE LAST TIME. Lunch tables that some of us had NEVER even sat at before (we all ate outside, in a corner usually, like we were hiding from the fucking world. A lot of my friends were in Sci-fi club and had a penchant for black trench coats. Nuff said). There we were, Class of ’99, getting all sentimental and shit over our plastic cups of coke, and it happened. I was enjoyin the last hour of the party, talkin, listenin, laughin, whatever. Tired but alive. And there, in the midst of that, the strangest sensation came over me. Suddenly, my entire body….wanted to stand up. I had no idea what was going on, I just felt this push in my mind, telling me over and over to do something that I didn’t understand. I did Not want to suddenly stand up in the middle of the cafeteria for no reason at all! That was not something that I wanted to do, I valued my invisibleness. But some part of me was trying to tell me what to do in a language I was not familiar with. In the midst of that sensation, I heard my name. And then I heard it again. And it wasn’t just in my head, I knew that after the second time. And because people started to look at me. My name was being called, quite loudly. Over the speaker system. I was being called to the “stage.” I had won something in the raffle.

I immediately stood up. Thrilled to give in to this crazy impulsive urge. Even though I was still trying to process what was happening. “What.….just….happened?” I think I stood there for a second like, “What the fuck WAS THAT?” The fact that I won something was cool (and weird), BUT….something way bigger just took place in my little existence. The whole way up to the stage my head felt like it was in a dream. I was not there. This could not be happening.

Somehow….I knew this was going to happen several SECONDS before it happened. Some part of me knewwww. How is that possible?

Needless to say, that experience redefined the word “possibility.” My mind was reeling. What a message to receive. It’s one thing to believe, it’s a whole nother thing to know. From experience. Experience trumps faith, and always will. This was mine, this was just another door blown open. My mind used to be a cell, but now it’s full of skylights.

There are so many well-defined lines that can be blurred. That’s what that experience taught me, phenomenally, for whatever reason. And here’s the thing, I won three hundred dollars in plane ticket vouchers. Which is a pretty cool prize. BUT….I never used em. Just never used em. Just like that. It’s safe to say that…my life was pretty sheltered in certain ways. I would say this was a sign of that shelteredness. I had only flown in a plane like twice up to then, and it was by no means normal for me to “travel” on my own. Why am I putting that in quotes? I have no idea! I guess cuz that word was pretty foreign to me back then. It’s not that I didn’t have that kind of independence, I just didn’t have that kind of freedom.

My point is though…I Had That ONE OF A KIND EXPERIENCE over something that would lead to nothing. Wow. Do you see what that means? That didn’t happen because that trip was fated to be some huge turning point in my life that was echoing backwards into the present. It wasn’t. It never happened. I sensed the future about something completely insignificant. It happened because it happened. It happened because it’s POSSIBLE. Because I was ready for it to happen, because my mind happened to be in that perfect place that would allow for such a blur in the time continuum to occur. All within that tiny space that is my awareness. Lucky me. Still, what a thing to know.

:-P

But yeah, that’s how good my life WAS. And my state of mind. And my relationship to the abstract. It all climaxed when I was 18. My life was better than it had ever been before and that was largely due to the fact that my understanding of life was better than it had ever been before. I got it. And it’s worth noting that this culminated with the end of my search for God. I "found" him. All by my lonesome. I went from being a nonbeliever and an active skeptic to the opposite. I opened my mind to it, I searched, and God came in. It was all adding up. I could see it now. For the first time in my life, my life made sense.

This was good. This was all very good. But unfortunately my life on the outside, hadn’t changed as much as I had changed within. I was still the son of the same parents. I was still the brother of the same siblings. I was still living in the same vapid city. I was still a product of a failed system and all of its drama. My friends were the only consistent source of positive experience (that didn’t completely exist in my head). And ultimately, that was the problem. I had overcome a lot of adversity, but there were still some things I was just too scared to do. Like telling my family and the world around me what I believed I could do. With words, with poems, with lyrics. I couldn’t break out of that box. My family has always been my kryptonite, despite the best of intentions.

I did not have the wherewithal to see it thru, to see thru what I knew needed to be seen. And said. And heard. And shared. I failed. And I did it by choice. Which is quite a kicker. Still kicks me in the gut every now and then. The Alchemist went from being one of my favorite books to a source of guilt and shame. I betrayed myself, I stabbed my own life in the back. After everything that had ever been dumped on me, the one to break me was me. It sucked. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever done. Within a couple years, I could hardly call myself a writer. And it set me on a course that would take TEN YEARS to complete. One big loop, one big detour full of little detours. What a trip. Despite all I’ve ever learned, and all I’ve been given, I still gotta do things the slow way. Sucks.
For all those years, I was living, and encountering people and touching lives and being touched by lives and I wasn’t even myself! I was not being the best me I could be. I was not representing human existence as I knew it should be, full of verve and splendor. I was barely invested in the story of us. I was not appreciating what I had or what I was given. I was not in love with life. And I was okay with rarely feeling GREAT.
I almost feel like I should apologize to all those people I came to love or came to love me then for never showing them my best. I’m sorry. You all deserve better. I hope that you will open your minds to all that I really am. It only gets better. I promise. Unless you don’t really like me that much. Then.....it probably…..doesn’t.It’s a silly thing to dwell on, but if I do, it brings me down. What a shame. To go from such a high to such a lifeless medium. To go from being a catalyst of good and betterment to being a glimmer in the window of your own life. Silly.

But you know what, that’s what life does to us. It makes us less than ourselves. Kills us by degree. It’s the deaths we never see. Our inner child, our spirit, our innocence, our belief. It’s the deaths we never see that affect us the most.

But whatever, thank god for second chances. These things can be regrown, the abstract world is very plentiful. I’m back now. And I am truthfully better than ever. Positive energy is an amazing thing and can take you to great places IF you can harness it. And truly believing in yourself is like throwing off the chains of doubt and sprouting wings. I would suggest doing both, if you have something worth flying for.
My life right now is better than it has EVER been. And I think it’s worth noting that that is a pretty remarkable thing to be able to say. I am thankful for it. I have been more alive and more creative this past year than I have ever been before. And the quality of my work AND my life have risen to new heights. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: it’s a really exciting time to be me. And the opportunities on the horizon are absolutely TITILLATING. I would be jealous if I were you, but thankfully, I am me. ;-)

Occupy Their Minds

Welcome to the world of walls and streets,
where violence police come to silence drum beats
with all the support of politicians in charge
of a corrupt fat cow they milk, by and large.
And their central advice: “Buy MORE and enlarge,
whatever you have, never mind the surcharge!
Because bigger is better and more is never enough.
You should believe what we say, but please, don’t call our bluff.
We hate to disappoint and we’d hate to use force,
but rest assured we will keep this sinking ship on course.
We have no other ideas but to propagate this way
and if you don’t like it, it’s fine, but don’t voice your dismay
or if you do, then at least keep it out of downtown.
If you want we can show you how to Keep Your Voice DOWN.”

Welcome to the world where those in power
will do anything to postpone their final hour,
even betray the interests they’ve sworn to uphold.
They’re not interested in much that can’t be bought and sold.
Being bought and paid for is a time honored tradition,
anyone who says otherwise may get a taste of extradition.
Even peaceful people collecting thoughts in public parks
will be drug out of their tents and beaten in the dark
by the very people they trust to protect
their rights, their lives, but what do they expect
when those rights can be amended by the right blank check,
it’s just a matter of time before everything’s a wreck
and our government in NO WAY reflects our intellect!

Welcome to the world where disparity is inevitable
and kids can grow up thinking pizza’s a kind of vegetable.
You can’t hide from all the shames, like how Wikipedia
is clearly more trustworthy than our “independent” media.
Not much is more important than the sacred status quo
for all of those who made it and are rolling out the dough.
“You deserve all you can get,” they say, “especially if ya got it rough.
And if you get way less than most, well then that’s….just….tough.”
But the time has finally come when we are starting to question
why so many can make millions during a global recession.
While millions of homes were boarded up and shuttered
the upper crust enjoyed bonuses, paid with YOUR bread and butter!

Now that you know the truth, now you know this must change.
More than the USUAL reshuffle and rearrange.
We cannot have a government less interested in our votes
than it is in personal gain, control and stock quotes.
Occupy their minds. Make em jump at each new start.
Feel free to raise your voice, and keep a riot in your heart.
Walk the fine line between rebellion and release.
Remember they want complacency, but they’ll often call it peace.
Remember that the cops are but little black pawns.
The real enemy must be fought with our brains, not brawns.
Take care of each other, you have more than fists and feet,
and they’re scared enough already of our strange drum beat.
We just have to keep it steady, stand armed with common tools
and we’ll remind them that it IS the majority that rules!

My 2 Cents for the 99%

(video's at the bottom)

11-15-11

Money makes the world go round….is a thought I abhor
True as it may be on a dozen different shores
From Jean Paul Gaultier to all the dollar stores
for a lot of us it seems money's got us on all fours
We bark when it says speak and let it tug our popped collars
lug thru every week while being drug thru debt galore
fillin out our lives like a fuckin order form
And this I'm sad to say's becoming more n more the norm
we can barely tell the difference between perfume…and chloroform
as we put our passions deep to sleep to be cool instead of warm
Is there any reason to think that there will ever be reform
as our imaginations shrink along with the depth of our own core
it’s like the soul’s the missing link as we are further than before
from the center, towards the brink of an endless civil war
One country fails, One country succeeds, and the prosperous ignore
the luscious garden’s full of weeds but there’s nothing to deplore
“as long as there’s a clean place for my feet and the poor don’t look…
too poor, then there’s not much else I need up on the 42nd floor”
Not that you should be ashamed of being successful…or a whore
it just doesn’t seem humane to suck the life out of every pore
of every person in every country for the profits that you HOARD

So you wanna know what I think of money
and the rich vs the poor
yeah you Got NO I-DEA What the fuck I got in store!

Whenever I look at the system I think there must be a glitch
most the world lives in a prison that was built by the rich
and the poor live with this mission as they stretch every stitch
to get on that golden bridge instead of livin in this ditch
but da whole world’s like a game that is fulla bait and switch
and I don’t know the system’s name but it really is a bitch
fulla pretty rocks that glisten and pleasures that make you itch
fulla ears that never listen and eyes that look bewitched
or bewildered by the isms that make everybody twitch
Capitalism….commercialism….consumerism, which
are the trains on which
everybody’s lives are hitched
You might think it idealism
you might even call it kitsch
but I do not see the wisdom
in so many superrich
Faces buried in the bosoms
that ‘re inflated by a switch
… throwin out buffets
while people starve for a sandwich
half a world away
or in your city’s every niche
people sittin in soup kitchens
eatin up the CARTILAGE!

So ya wanna know what I thinka money
…and the poor vs the rich
yeah I’d drop another fuckin HOUSE on that GREEN
WICKED WITCH!

~~ da video version!~~

Black Lightning / Slient Thunder

Alright, I got some cool stuff in the works for you guys, but in the mean time....

Last night I got to talkin with the Prangie. I was sharin some of my recent pieces with her--just to share, just to practice--and she asked me how long I've been into poetry and....I started talking, like I don't often talk. Told her the story of how I got into poetry, how it was like finding something in the world that I found was also inside of me. The other half of my broken rock. And then once I got into it, it was like finding my very own socket to plug into the abstract and ethereal. Some PRETTY interesting stuff came out of me (eek), as I showed her, as I pulled out my first poetry notebook and let her take a look. We've been friends for years, she doesn't know any of this stuff about me :). So I got it out and I showed her, let her flip thru it in all its decrepitude, read my very first poems! "Ooooh, ahhhhhhh." More like "Hahaha, Huhhh?" It was good to tell the story again though, it's been happening more lately but I figure I'm making up for lost time. Up until this past year, I hadn't told it in years and years. It's a cool story. Not to mention one of the most important ones of my life.

Towards the back of the book was a poem that I believed At The Time was one of my best. I was pretty proud of it, ill placed as that pride might have been. It's dated 1-21-22-97 so that puts me at 15. So KEEP THAT IN MIND, it was a written by a 15 year old! Don't expect much, lol. But while we were looking at it, it crossed my mind that it might be a cool one to share with you guys. Just for the history. Just to show you a glimpse of where I was. Just to....share. Cuz I'm bad at that sometimes, at least when it comes to things that.....matter. So yeah, why not. Here it is.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Black Lightning and Silent Thunder

1-21-22-97

Lightning crashes, and a blind man thrashes
from the darkness that holds him tight
The Thunder rolls, and the blind man holds
on to a hope that he will die tonight
Lightning crashes, and the blind man's ashes
are spread in his memory
The Thunder rolls, and the blind man's soul,
from the darkness is finally set free
Lightning crashes, and thirty lashes
are laid upon a slave man's back
The Thunder rolls, and his freedom was stole
just because his skin was black
Lightning crashes, and a deaf man smashes
a record he once listened to
The Thunder rolls, and the deaf man lolls
and wishes for some sound to break through
Lightning crashes, and some time passes
and the deaf man's wish comes true
The Thunder rolls and the deaf man still lolls,
but the broken record of silence he listens to
Lightning crashes, and a pursued thief dashes
across a busy street
The Thunder rolls, and a silent bell tolls
and with Death the thief does meet
Lightning crashes, and the ocean tide splashes
against a young child who is curious
The Thunder rolls, and the ocean tide pulls
the young child into the mysterious
Lightning crashes, and the young child vanishes,
and the mother dives in for her one and only
The Thunder rolls, and the tide still pulls,
at least now they won't be lonely
Two Lightning bolts crash, and two opinions clash,
and two countries young blood stains the floor
The Thunder rolls, the Thunder of souls
that died for an unwanted war
Lightning crashes, and its bright light flashes,
and cracks the darkness that is Night
The Thunder rolls, and in its path it beholds
answers neither wrong nor right

How to Bleed

11-5-11

Write til your fingers hurt, instead of everything else.

when you have a voice…you have power
when you have personality…you have pull
when you have a pen and an hour
you can create your own tools
your own weapons
your own answers
your own beliefs
and rules
with one night and notepad
you can take yourself to school
get to know all about
how you think and why you do
you can ask yourself some questions
and see if you tell the truth
you can cry thru the ink
and even bleed a little too
…save yourself some scars
and maybe heal some old wounds
it’s a step, it’s a process,
like the cycles of the moon
but every day is a month
and every night a monsoon
you can try to fight the waters
or splash all way to doom
but the best thing you could learn
is how to float…
Like A Balloon

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As the waters come in
you gotta let the water out
whether it’s black or pristine
as a sky without a cloud
it’s gotta flow, you gotta know
that standin water’s not allowed
we’re not meant to be containers
bottled up without a mouth
it’s a scary sight to see
alla those that go that route
when knife attacks and shooting sprees
are how they finally choose to spout
about the amount of pain inside
that sounds like screams when said aloud
the darkness seeps into our dreams
and hides the light behind a shroud
crawlin on our hands and knees
in search of reasons to be proud
we think a peak is what we need
to reach to speak without a doubt
we lost our voice when we believed
we were alone inside this crowd
and now we huddle up like leaves
when leaves are nothing like ourselves

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The System is a B-I-T-

Hot off the press! This is somethin I started playin with in my head on the way home from seein that IN TIME movie. Really cool flick. But I didn't sit down and try to write anything til a couple hours ago. But I did it! Just somethin fun, but I like it, so I'll share.

I've been wanting to write a new rap. Been kinda lookin for a topic or just a good line I wanna rhyme and jump off of. But I haven't found one/thoughta one. Sometimes I literally get thirsty for a new rhyme. There's nothin quite like the feel of a homemade flow fresh on your lips. That day it all kinda came together, finally. The other main ingredient/source of inspiration was Lupe Fiasco, a pretty amazing musician/rapper/lyricist who's been raisin the bar for me in terms of content and quality. I just discovered him a few months ago and he just impresses the hell outta me, makes me miss writin raps.

So yeah, that's what this is. A rap, or at least mostly. It's about 3 parts rap, one part performance poem. So it's not straight up made for a beat or anything; just a mic and some ears. But yeah, it is meant to be read FAST. There's little punctuation cuz there's not really any stoppin, just a couple pauses in there and one or two breaths :). It is "metered," or at least it is how I read it, lol. Good luck with that, I have no idea what it would sound like if you read it out loud. I guess I should try that on one of my friends some time just to see. How much you would butcher it ;).

The other reason for this is cuz I've been wanting to share some poetry with you guys! It's been ages and it's not because I'm not writing. I'm writing quite a bit, but it's ALL performance stuff. And I'll never post that stuff in written form! :) Sorry. There's just no way I'm going to spoil those pieces for you, even if you have to wait years to hear em. So I intentionally made this one more for the page, but....I also don't think it's done. Think I'll probably add to it, a beginning and a whole nother verse on the end. But another day, this is good enough for now. Enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Whenever I look at the system I think there must be a glitch
most the world lives in a prison that was built by the rich
and the poor live with this mission as they stretch every stitch
to get up on that bridge instead of livin in this ditch
but da whole world’s like a game that is full of bait and switch
and I don’t know the system’s name but it really is a bitch
fulla pretty rocks that glisten and pleasures that make ya itch
fulla ears that never listen and eyes that look bewitched
or bewildered by the isms that make everybody twitch
capitalism….consumerism….commercialism, which
are the trains on which
everybody’s lives are hitched
you might think it idealism
you might even call it kitsch
but I do not see the wisdom
in so many superrich
faces buried in the bosoms
that ‘re inflated by a switch
…throwin out buffets
while people starve for a sandwich
half a world away
or in your city’s every niche
people sittin in soup kitchens
eatin up the CARTILAGE!

so ya wanna know what I thinka money
…and the poor vs the rich
yeah I would drop another HOUSE on that GREEN
WICKED WITCH!

All the Single Ladies BE DAMNED!

Not really, I just have a penchant for gratuitously dramatic titles...:)
All the Single Ladies - The Atlantic

I posted this article earlier today (no longer today, this has taken me a while to finish). A couple of you read it, some of you may have read part of it, or even thought about reading it. It’s a long one. It took me several chunks of time to get thru it (I’m easily distracted when I’m feeling creative and I like it like that). But get thru it I did, though I posted it (and started this) when I was probably halfway. I kept reading because I wanted to know her conclusion. Which I’m not going to cliff-note for you. Sorry. If you occasionally read long articles on the internet (like me), then I would encourage you to read it. If you never do, but this may directly relate to you, then I would definitely read it. Lots of good information in there. If there’s just no way you’re reading “all that,” then you might wanna just skim a couple paragraphs for the purpose of enjoying this blog more. If you’re even willing to read ALL That! *pointing down*

There’s a couple things I wanna say that I kinda wish she had said in the article. It would’ve been great. They’re points that I think are important to be made, and I don’t think I’m being....too radical with this line of thinking, so I’ll share em. Though I’m not sure where this is gonna go once I do....


At a couple different parts of the article she talks about the “dating pool,” and the “population of un-detestable men,” and how it’s shrinking, and yadda yadda yadda. That’s all logical, sensible and apparently supported by various statistics. But that is all flying over the main thing: you are trying to calculate the odds of something that is pretty much inevitable. VERY, very few of us “end up” “old and alone” with “no one to look after us!” And those that do probably have a good reason for it. Or are pretty screwy. Jus sayin. *Shrugs*

SO, why are you so worried about it!??? Chill the eff out. Enjoy life, this shit will probably take care of itself. *Sylvester Stallone voice* “It’s kinda what life does, you know...gets together.” I’m so happy that this whole age thing is becoming less and less of a big deal for you. Not fast enough, but still! Progress, yay! Don’t get caught up in society’s number games, assuming you’re not a reprehensible person, everything should be fine, well before “old age.” And assuming there is more to your life than the pursuit of love, then that should excite you. YAY, now you don’t have to worry about finding “Mr. Right” anymore OR “entrapping the man I want because he’s good enough and I don’t wanna play this game anymore!” Yay. Because if you really do want to find someone, odds are REALLY On your side. But I know some of you have been HAMMERED all your freaking lives to worry about this one thing more than anything else, so that’s like ALL you do if you’re not taking steps towards it. For godsakes. If you girls put as much effort into finding someone as you do in, say, stocks and bonds, then....the market woulda collapsed years ago! (Ooooooooh, BADA-Zing!) ;)

Insensitive as it may be to say, for the purpose being really clear (like I’m a scholar in this shit) let’s go ahead and admit that how much effort you “need” to put into this pursuit is (probably) inversely related to how attractive you are. On average. In the eye of any one group of people. That’s putting it pretty simply, but...just somethin to keep in mind. And not just talkin about looks! There are other things that make us “attractive” ya know. I would never put a LOT of effort into this, but if after being patient for a year or more, there’s no close encounters of the intimate kind, then you might wanna start thinking a little outside of your comfort zone, and make something happen. Maybe decrease the level of value you put on...model-like appearances, open your mind and have some faith in the powers that be. The internet is a wondrously potential place. But be honest, and be honest with yourself (see below paragraph entitled “Know yourself!”) and don’t get into Halflife. That shit scares me. It seems like virtual relationships could easily substitute face-to-face relationships without easily being as good for us. 50/50, at least!

Be patient though. Don’t be aggressive! Not because it’s scary/ “unbecoming!”/or slutty (like I care!), but because it’s UN-NECESSARY. If you can’t be on your own for two weeks then you’ve probably got a problem! Work on that. It MIGHT be good for you. In the long run. For like a THOUSAND different reasons.

I say that not so much for the girls who are promiscuous as men by choice—and for the love of things other than love (what did the chicken say? BGGOCK??)—, but for the ones who need male attention to breathe and/or are tired of break ups and falling in and out of lovvvvvve. If you really feel that way then ACT ACCORDINGLY. Realize that the universe or GOD or Shiva or Satan is not out to get you and ruin your life, and that LONELINESS is not cancerous. It can actually be eliminated by things other than attractive horny men. A new study just proved it. Swear to god. If you really are tired of it all and want the next one you fall in love with to be the last one, DO Things differently. Create a whole new plan of attack. Sprinkle a LITTLE bit of sense into it just for FUN! The universe will understand and will help you. God will understand and help you. Your vagina will understand but probably won’t help you. YOU GOTTA BE CLEAR ABOUT IT THOUGH! Make up your mind, put your foot down, decide what you want, form words, and Act Accordingly. If you enter a serious relationship and you’re not even sure about marriage then don’t be all broken up about it at the end when it doesn’t “end” in marriage! Things work a lot better if you do them—oh, I dunno—INTENTIONALLY.

I have one more point of contention with this “dating pool” and all the estimations of it, and this is probably my major point and the point is this: it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter HOW—MANY—FISH are in the sea. It doesn’t matter how many men are at the fuckin party. Cuz you’re not lookin for a dozen of em! We’re not talkin about day-laborers here for godsakes! We’re talking about THE person you are apparently going to spend the rest of your wife with. So, in other words, we are talking about one person. One. That’s it, that’s all there is to it. It doesn’t get any simpler than that. You are looking for one person. One person at the party. One person in the city. One person in the state. The country. The planet. Whatever. One, and then you’re done.

You do at least believe that there is somebody FOR everybody, right? I mean…you’ve seen reality TV right? Some of those people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them! And they’re fallin in love and getting married and doin all kinds of stupid shit. No problem. Cuz, in the end, it really doesn’t matter what kind of person you are, odds are still on your side, cuz there’s probably a few million people just like you. And then a bunch of stupid/crazy people on top of those. You really think that NONE of them could or will ever love you?? A tad melodramatic wouldn’t ya say?

...errr, somethin like that

If you believe in God or destiny or fate......then this should be easy for you. Act like it. If you don’t and you think that two people falling in love is just some sort of cosmic accident, well....then okay, those astronomical accidents still happen everyday...you should be able to at least rationalize yourself halfway there with what I’ve said so far. What you are looking for is that one person from which there is no defense, that is right for you on every level that matters to you. When you feel that way and that person feels the same way, and there isn’t a toxic mess lurking underneath…then you might be on to something!

It reminds me of a childhood movie/cartoon, I can’t remember what it is or what it’s called, but this one scene always stuck in my head. Not sure why. But in this scene the knights are battling a dragon, and this dragon is unstoppable, but the “hero” knows that this beast has one weak spot, One Tiny Weakness, a chink in its scaly armor. If he can hit that one spot with an arrow, it’ll pierce the monster’s heart and save the day. An enormous dragon, flying around, blowing fire, killing everybody, and all this guy has to do is shoot a wooden arrow into a one meter space from a hundred meters away. Using—his—“sense.” I think he might have even closed his eyes! What we are talking about is basically impossible. Yet he does it! Because he is the hero and that’s what heroes do, the impossible. And this is pretty much what dating is like. Odd of a visual as (I now realize) that may be. Everyday the impossible happens.

Basically, your heart is like the Death Star. You just gotta find your Skywalker to blow it up!
"Awwwwwwwwwwwwww" Gotta ♥ nerdlove.

Everyday people fall in love with the person they will someday marry. Everyday people also fall in love with someone they won’t be speaking to in three months, but let’s focus on the positive. Just like that, IN LOVE, with that ONE person, out of 7 billion, or however many people are in your city. It seems impossible and yet it happens all the time. If that kind of love wasn’t so rare then it wouldn’t be so special. So fair enough! But don’t let the fact that it’s rare or “hard to find” turn you into paranoid, one-track minded, down-on-yourself freaks! Because scarcity has nothing to do with you! I guarantee if you focused on making yourself the best, most beautiful person you could be (nevermind physically!), love would FIND YOU. In no time at all. Cuz time wouldn’t matter. Cuz you’d be happy with life and most importantly Your life. And you’d have other things to do than….guys.

If you faithfully believe or logically conclude that there must be a man out there who’s just right for you thennnnnnnnnnnn “Dating pool??” whatthefuckareyoutalkingabout!!? Having a MILLION choices is not going to help you get there faster! Be patient for Christ sakes! You only need ONE!

Think about how you think about these things. Eliminate unnecessary points of view, streamline your line of thinking so there is less distraction, less doubt and less fear, and continue on your merry way.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Everything after this is just…chunks of writing that came flying out while I was working on the above. This wasn’t a LINEAR process at all, which is part of why it took so long to finish. But yeah, I wasn’t really trying to control it, or shape it (and usually don’t), but in the end, with everything that came out, it would be hard to tie this all together into one flowing piece. And I don’t think it’s necessary. It’s just a blog, it’s just for fun. And it’s already taken longer than I wanted it to. If you wanna read on, you can, they’re pretty much just rants, and they’re probably pretty insulting, but...if they seem “off-topic or...uncalled for, that’s probably because they are. Dating advice from KJ INK...why not!


Here’s another thing that’s worth addressing: men and women with issues who engage in long relationships that don’t go anywhere and are constantly fighting the same battles. Why? Because they keep trying to tackle SYMPTOMS of their bullshit instead of digging deeper and getting to the source. We do this all the freaking time, bugs the hell out of me. Never mind the symptoms! Address the source. Yes you’re very insecure, going out of my way to make you feel special everyday MIGHT Help with that, but it is in no way a long term solution to something that should be seen as bit of a handicap. It is NOT good for you to feel so empty, without THIS or THAT. Become aware of that, it’s not something to be ashamed of. After all, WE ALL Have problems! :-P

Ugh.

Really, we need to start putting time limits on things. But very generous time limits cuz some people don’t respond well to pressure. Cuz they’re fucked in the head. I would say a year and a half is long enough! That’s enough time. Enough time to figure it out, to have SOME CLUE as to what the hell you two are gonna do. That’s all I’m sayin, some clue, nobody needs to be proposing or anything. But a year and a half in you two should be talking OPENLY about this shit, you know, ASSESSING the SITUATION, checkin the pressure on the ol’ love gauge. Why not? You should know each other by then and have some sense as to HOW MUCH you love that person. And a year and a half isn’t too long that you can’t still see the shores of what it’s like to be independent. So you won’t be so freaking scared of it, as some of you seem to be.

I know talking about the future and marriage isn’t an issue for some people but for a lot it is. And I feel for these girls who are in like 4 year relationships and the guy isn’t even sure what he wants to do!? Flippin AYE, cut him lose! It’s silly. If it’s not understood after a couple years that you are getting married someday, I....I wouldn’t bother anymore. LOL. Is that too harsh?? Is that mean? I don’t think so. Life’s too short, and I hate it when people cling to "doomed" relationships out of fear, or have REGRETS, and that’s a terrible complaint to have and a terrible way to feel when you feel like you just wasted all that time on somebody. Wouldn’t wish that on anybody.

But really, why are you trying to force it? And we do! We do this all the time, try and force our love, our will on the one we love even though they don’t love us as much, like we’re trying to wear them down. “I love you, so you WILL love me just as much if I just keep dumping love into you. You will. Just wait here.” Five years later, “OHH MY GAWWWD, I CANT BELIEVE HE/SHE JUST LEFT ME LIKE THAT, AFTER ALL IVE DONE,” yeah yeah yeah. I get it. If you would quit trying to settle for something that is less than mind/heart/soul-blowingly amazing, this wouldn’t keep happening to you. Call me crazy, but that’s what I think.


Some of you women though, and the guys you take on...I don’t know what you’re thinkin. I mean, I do, but I don’t. Relationships do Not HAVE to be this enormous challenge! Really, they don’t. And women who haven’t developed any passions or hobbies of their own in life (not revolving around their sexual orientation), often look for men who ARE projects. Which is fine. Unless you don’t realize you are doing that! Then it’s probably just annoying. To both of you. There are relationships out there though, that (when compared to yours) would seem amazingly easy. WHY?, you might ask. HOW CAN THAT BE? Is it because they’ve always been so good and that’s why Santa Claus brings them the best presents!? No. It’s probably just because those two people were better suited for each other. Not much of a big secret or mystery there. They just…match well. They’re friends, they believe and care about similar things and aren’t just fuckbuddies who see each other five times a week. OH, and they probably have less issues, i.e. know themselves well, can be honest with each other... That helps.

Bottom line though: If you didn’t date terrible men for so long and so often...THERE WOULDN’T BE SO MANY TERRIBLE MEN! They would be FORCED to change, to clean up their “act.” To—OH, dare I say it—Grow Up. Become more Well Rounded Individuals. All the jerks and douche bags and dickheads (I’m not gonna put idiots on the list cuz, ehh, you know, some people can’t help it) would either start killing each other (for lack of anything better to do) and possibly other people (:(), or they would get a clue. And change. At least that’s what I would like to think.

(this is true on the inside too)

Oh and I KNOW THEY HAVE “GOOD HEARTS!!” WAA-Waaaaaa. They’re assholes. As soon as you see that it needs to be ADDRESSED as a serious problem. Or you need to leave. If you tolerate it, you condone it....at the expense of society and those closest to you. Yeah, I know, nobody’s perfect, we all have problems, everybody’s family is dysfunctional, blah blah blah. QUIT—whitewashing—serious—problems! Nobody’s perfect, but some people have actual, medically diagnosable issues. We all have problems but some of us have A LOT more. Every family is dysfunctional, but some families are WAY FUCKING WORSE off than one with parents who JUST work too much! I am tired of that shit! Every time somebody comes back at me with that, I’m like 0_o? Like all of a sudden we’re competing for credit in battle scars, just cuz I mentioned that my family has problems?? Oh, I’m sorry, did I just make you feel insecure that your life might not be as bad as mine!? Oh shoot! Are you concerned I might be unfairly blaming some aspect of my life on my unfortunate upbringing and not be taking responsibility for myself? Awwwww, aren’t you sweet. This is my story. Shuddup and listen, jesus!

Seriously, all that makes me think every time somebody feeds me one of those lines like I NEVER GOT THE MEMO that most people have some kind of problems is 1: you must have a very limited imagination, OR 2: your story must be HORRENDOUS. As well. Otherwise, why are you interrupting me!? I wouldn’t be saying this if I didn’t have damn good reason to!

K, that was....A TANGENT. Getting back to it!

Quit whitewashing serious problems. I’m tired of that too. It scares me every time I hear that when it could be a serious matter. This ACCEPTANCE of our damage, not of our “natural” flaws and imperfections, but of our DAMAGE that turns into destructive/counterproductive behaviors amazes me. It does. How we just go on for years and years like it’s okay that I’ve never said I love you to another human being, or...it’s just fine that I haven’t spent more than a few weeks out of a relationship since puberty. No problemo. I’m terrified of commitment! That’s all right. I’ve never cried a day in my life! Sounds GREAT. I get angry and verbally and physically abuse my family when my team loses! HaHA, Don’t We ALLL?

What is this crap? How can we not see that there is something amiss there? Something…off balance, which may be making our ship list on our way to (Koh) “True Love.” DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Like….the OPPOSITE of what you were doing before, which was probably nothing. Read a book. Spend some time alone. Talk about it. Write it down. Find SOME balance! I would say “google it” but I’m worried about all you hypochondriacs out there. Still, you might learn somethin. And if it seems pretty serious, like you’re havin trouble changing it, feel free to seek a professional or unbiased opinion. I’m SORRY that therapy still has a stigma on it, I wish it didn’t, I DO! I know it’s better than before but it’s not becoming acceptable/accessible fast enough. Seriously, if it were up to me, I would build an annex on every McDonald’s and open one up! A desk, a chair and a couch, what more do you need?! Take a number, enjoy your fries while you wait! Therapy really is like.....ONE OF THE BEST THINGS EVER! “WAIT, you mean there’s a way for us fucked up people to, you know, UN-fuck ourselves?? Sign Me Up!” The best part about damage is it can be mostly repaired or removed. And once that does happen you get these things called “wizdom points!” And if you get enough wizdom points, you become a Wizard or something...I’m told. Sounds pretty cool. Think about it.

That’s all I’m really trying to say, just....think about it.


Temet Nosce

You know what, Ladies? Listen to this. This might sound crazy, but I THINK....the better you know yourself, the less time it would take to know if someone was perfect for you.

:-O

O.O

I know! Me Too! What a crazy way of doing things. It’s almost like it’s backwards, even though IT ISNT BACKWARDS AT ALL!

Know yourself. Please, know yourself. Work out your daddy issues, or at LEAST become aware of them. Realize that IF you’ve been abused at any young age, you probably have issues that are causing you to behave and react in ways you normally wouldn’t. Seek help. And don’t be offended when I suggest that. I’m not looking down on you, I’m just telling you...what I did. It’s hard to look down on somebody when you’ve been there. And I don’t care if it’s a shrink or just a good listener who occasionally says something that’s not stupid. Get it out there in the open and work on it. It’s not a shameful thing at all. It’s a public service. This world is fucked up, and fucked up people do fucked up things. But you do NOT have to become one of em! We got enough destructive zombies self-destructively roaming the planet. Take a long look in the mirror or in the eyes of someone who can help. OUTSIDE of love.


Eros Agape Philia Storge! (no, that’s not a spell from Harry Potter. Sorry to disappoint)


I wish modern language had more words for love than the word love. And before you jump to rattle off a few words that are similar, nope! I know what I’m talking about. Love is the only word pointing to what it points at that cannot be immediately turned around and seen in a negative/unsatisfactory/not good enough light by someone else. For example: fuckbuddy love. Lots of people would just think that that’s not a great kind of love to have, which would eventually make the person who has it dis-appreciate it too. Sad story, I’m sure. All right, bad example, but you would totally get what I’m saying when I point out how “plutonic love” seems to become worthless when “True Love” is attained. For some people.

And it’s UNDERSTANDABLE. Look at how we’ve been programmed. That is the fucking ULTIMATE GOAL. Whether we like to admit it or not, that is how we behave. Everything else in life PALES in comparison to the pursuit of romance and procreation. So, when we think that way, it’s no wonder we have so many issues with loving anything but ourselves and our most immediate surroundings. See love, feel love. Don’t see love, don’t feel love. That’s how it is for a lot of us. Sadly true. And because we have only one concept of GREAT love to “achieve,” various other levels of life (with love) are ignored or undervalued. But clearly there are other types of love, that are good on all sides, and valuable, and enjoyable and worth keeping! Like the love of your family. Like the love of your closest friends. Like the love of your God. Like the love of your work or art. Like the love of your lover versus the love of your (future) spouse. It’s ALL love but it’s all markedly different. Clearly, right? Yet we keep using the same word, IF IFFF we use the word at all, and that’s probably not a good thing. I believe our understanding of love has been limited by our ability to verbally differentiate between the different types of love. And if our understanding of something is limited, our ability to experience it is limited as well. Crippled even. Like tryin to squeeze a funnel cake through a funnel.

STOPIN? What the fuck is that?!

The ancient Greeks had a much better way of dealing with this. And by dealing with this, I mean, they didn’t have to deal with this because they had more than one word for love.
4 in fact. Each one valued and respected and appreciated, but slightly different. Allowing people to express different types of love, without the person receiving it feeling slighted or insecure. Allowing someone to literally tell a friend, WITH FEELING, that she loves him, without worrying about her husband getting jealous or betraying him in some way by using the SAME WORD. Because she wouldn’t be! Different, INDIVIDUAL words for different kinds of BEAUTIFUL worthwhile Wonderful love. What a system. I think we would really benefit from something like that. Suddenly it would seem like we have so much more love in our lives, and, ironically, that would be true.

Just to be able to express love more and see more things as love, would make it so that there is more love, even though it was all there before. A rock on the road that you don’t see, has less power than the rock in the road that you do. Even if you’re not going to hit it, it could cause you to swerve and cause a wreck inadvertently. Yet, if you didn’t see it AND didn’t hit it, then it may as well not even exist. That is the power of its presence, visually! As soon as you see it, identify it, “Rock,” it has presence! You do not have to wait for it to blow your tire open. Until something has presence, it cannot have an effect.

The more we see love and speak love, the more we’ll feel love and be love.
That Sounds good to me.

At this point I’m just another man telling women what to do….Right?

That article spearheaded all of this, for sure. But then once I started writing, a dozen conversations I’ve had in the past few months with various females and close friends just started to spool together. And I’ve done a pretty good job of being supportive, while tryin to squeeze in a little sense here and there but...it’s not easy. The latter part that is. Human beings (not just women) are not easy to talk to sensibly about things they are emotional about. Plus, unless it’s a really destructive situation, they’re probably just better off figuring their own way out of it. Experience is the greatest teacher. At least when it’s not being the harshest.

My point is, some of you who read this may have noticed a connection to a recent conversation we’ve had, please don’t think this was anything personal. I’ve had a lot of conversations like that all my life, there’s just been more than usual lately. You were more like the inspiration, the spark, the match. My whole life is the fodder. I didn’t think of any of you more than I did my past or past relationships with women. I’m just trying to put all of it together in hopes of squeezing some highly concentrated juice out of it. For SOMEONE’s benefit. If not your own.

I would love to be able to tell you that throughout this I’ve been trying to walk the fine-line between being condescending and being sensible, but really I feel like I’ve just been trampling on both sides, fairly evenly I hope. This is why I have to tell people I’m an asshole. Cuz there comes times when I can’t tolerate whatever anymore and I have to say what I really think. Regardless of….whatever the fuck you think. Not that every word should be taken literally, I am trying to have fun with it and make it an interesting read, but I’m just not going to limit how I express my thoughts because you might not like to hear them.


Plus, when I embrace my assholish side, and channel that voice, it makes the writing process a lot more fun and...gives me a chance to flex and fart and scratch myself all at the same time. How nice, uh? Of course, I meant all of those metaphorically, cuz...I’m such a cool writer like that. *rolls eyes*

I guess if I wanted to be truly fair I’d have to follow this post up with one about men but....I don’t care. Really, I mean, what would be the point, or the challenge? It’d probably be like a paragraph long. And sound something like: “Don’t rape anybody. Don’t assert your will over another person, it’s terrible. Try to talk about women in a way that wouldn’t disgust your mother or progressively liberal sister. It’s a little weird to talk about any group of people with that much vulgarity. Be honest, or become a slightly better person so that you can be honest. Enough white lies put together is just as poisonous as one big lie. And being a good person actually feels really good. It does, give it a try. Value other things in a relationship as much as you value blowjobs and sex. (Yes, using the words “more than” would’ve been asking too much) Grow a heart.....admit that you care...show your…you know, those things, whatever they’re called....feelings or emotions or whatever. It’d be good. And be patient. Which is important because patience will keep you from being “creepy” and from becoming one of those guys in clubs who just grab at girls as they walk by. Which is just stupid and creepy. There really is a scent of desperation. And the only time women seem to ignore this (or somehow find this flattering) is when they’re desperate, intoxicated, Or the guy is really “cute.” Otherwise, BE Cool. And if you have real issues then talk to somebody about it or....read Fight Club. But don’t read Catcher in the Rye. Or Heart of Darkness. Or American Psycho. Please. Oh, and don’t rape anybody. Thank you.”

There. Done. That pretty much says it. The main difference being that one of these lines could take a lifetime for a man to master. And often do. While being more emotionally complex, women are also more apt and able to adapt, to the environment or needs. If you don’t believe me, see something called “survival of the fittest.” Men have always been kinda losin that one. Hmmm, I wonder why.

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